hiatus.

page 28: I'll Be Back

2009-09-17T23:51:00.003+08:00

I was on a long ride home taking the train after training today, and it's always times like this that I get to think about a lot of stuff. And it'll be like this transient moment when I would find myself everywhere else, except on the train of course, almost like how one of my lecture mates would describe as a 'happy-pizza' kind of moment. I would not be even paying attention to what I'm looking at, and it's often a random stare-back that brings me back to where I was. It gets real embarrasing when I find myself looking at the wrong things, like how the person next to me is thinking that I'm trying to read off his 60 cents worth of paper he got from the newstand. Not that he'll be selfish about it though, and it's always that he'll try to tilting it to this angle to facilitate my reading. Of course, by then, he would have already shifted his vision away from the paper, and on me, and I would have been awake by then. The funny part is, you don't know whether to signal an apology or thank you, or both, and not that it might not turn out strange if you really do so. Then I'll turn my head and look outside the train instead, and imagine myself to be staring in some emo-mtv. Always happens. The lucky thing is, I'm always taking the bus, and it is quite seldom that someone would sit directly opposite, even though on a good day, I wouldn't have mind being misunderstood for staring at a pretty girl.

That's one long first paragraph, and it's after that philo tutorial that's explaining that things should go straight to the point right from the start. Anyway, I was again in this transient zone this evening, and it helped a lot that the train was much less crowded than usual, making it even more conducive for me to drift away so quickly. But I didn't have a good day either, truthfully, a rather nasty one, and naturally, whatever I thought about was really negative. In fact, I hope it doesn't scare any of you, but I went to as far as considering why people actually commit suicide, and for a few seconds, I actually understood why they would have chosen so. It was that bad, but of course, DON'T misunderstand, because it will never be an option however far I thought I should run. I'll never allow myself to be relegated to such stage of 'losing' anyway.

Things got a little better after a few stops down the road, and I'm actually decently surprised at how quick I move away from depressing thoughts. In fact, I was trying to look for solutions to those niggling frustrations that kept me unhappy whole week, because it's really irritating to know that I am getting bothered by things that are potentially childish. Or rather just childish. To not drag any further, the thing that hit me hardest (not technically though) this evening was my football coach coming up to me, telling me that I'm not ready for the upcoming competition.

I swear that had this happened a few months ago, I would have broken down instantly, inside the bathroom of course. Yet, that wasn't my respond a couple of hours ago, and in fact, I was actually really shocked that I'm not that disappointed. I was rather numbed by it, almost prepared, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "what's new? What's another bad news?" Of course I did whine about it to the rest of my teammates after training, but in actual fact wasn't as disappointed as I sounded. I wasn't any less frustrated though.

And that was the main thought the whole of my train ride. I was thinking about how is it possible that everything so low could happen so quick. Not that I haven't experienced bad things happening in succession before, but I thought that the news from my coach was almost like that button that triggered the 'fuck my life' thought. And for the first time since I lost the race at Choa Chu Kang stadium, I was disappointed. Everything just did not turn out as I would have wanted. Really, everything.

I figured that there are a lot of adjustments I need to make in my life for things to be put on the right track. And it's really good that the one week break is just one day away, although I'm hardly looking forward because it'll be a hell of a week just to try catch up with school. Perhaps that football news did come as a blessing because I would have one less worry for the moment. Most importantly, after that half hour long ride journey, I realised that I'll have to stop trying to physically beat those frustrations, but move even faster forward, so fast that they might never be able to catch up. Cliched, but it does seem that cliched statments work the best.

And that makes this my last post for a long time to come. I should have done this a long time ago because after a while, it seems that this place only aid my manifestation of ridiculous thoughts. Blogging did help me rant away certain frustrations but I figured that I do not want this as a solution for anymore future heartbreaks, however dramatic. In fact, it does seem that I'm beginning to hide in this small little comfort zone that's just making me more oblivious to whatever that's going around, making me refuse that bad news can happen. I will face them head on.

So, I promise that my next post will be happy, genuinely happy. It may take a little time, and on a less romantic note, I do have my academics to worry about for the next couple of weeks. I'll be back, hopefully very, very much stronger.

Someone told me that a setback is a setup for another comeback. I'm looking forward.

____________________________

I'll not forget that I like everyone smiling. Smile :)

Page 27: Orange

2009-09-15T21:07:00.010+08:00

Woot! I finally saw something in the theatres after a month-long hiatus, and I'm home early! Oh, and I've been playing Stigmatized all day on my players, and still ain't sick of it. Soon though. Anyway, as usual, I was scrolling through Soccernet and saw this piece of news:

Forlan says wrong studs ended United career

Diego Forlan says his Manchester United career ended when he failed to wear the right boots for a vital game against Chelsea, thus risking - and engaging - the wrath of Sir Alex Ferguson.

LaurenceGriffiths/GettyImages

Forlan and Ferguson remain in touch despite the row over the studs

Forlan took 27 games to score his first goal for United and failed to find the form during his Old Trafford spell between 2002 and 2004 that subsequently marked him out as one of the best strikers in Europe with both Villarreal and Atletico Madrid.

His time at United came to an abrupt end when Forlan opted not to follow advice to wear boots with larger studs, and getting caught in the act.

"(Manager Sir Alex) Ferguson wanted me to play with high studs, the interchangeable ones that suit wet pitches," Forlan told the official Champions League magazine. "But I feel more comfortable in low ones. I agreed to change boots, but I didn't. Against Chelsea, I slipped in front of goal and wasted a chance. Afterwards, I rushed to the dressing room to change boots. Ferguson caught me. He grabbed the boots and threw them. That was my last game for United."

Despite his goal drought, United fans remember Forlan fondly, most specifically for a double at Liverpool during their 2002-3 title-winning campaign as well as vital goals against Chelsea and Southampton in the same season.

While a move to Villarreal may have brought his time at United to a premature end, it did not signal a breakdown in relations between Forlan and Ferguson - who rang the South American with some inside information on Arsenal during his Villarreal days.

Roy Keane also remained in contact - and Forlan revealed the Irishman tried to buy him during his time in charge at Sunderland.

"Roy Keane's charisma, his personality on and off the pitch - he's a gentleman," said Forlan. "In training he'd explain things in a good way - and sometimes in a bad way, because it mattered When he was boss at Sunderland, he called me all the time to go and play for him."

Oh, I actually share the same birth date as Forlan :)

Found that quite amazing, really, because it reminds me a lot of the army daze. Like how the sergeants will enter the toilet to find out his men secretly smoking at the corner. And then he'll snatch that cigarette box away, break each and every stick and flush them down the toilet bowl. A little extreme, but I doubt anyone would be surprised either when they hear such stories. Almost like how army ghost stories seem to be such interesting 'talk cock' topics.

I went to Vivo early today, almost 2 hours before G-Force began, and helped a little in setting up my parents' stall for the Mid Autumn Fare. And I was absolutely surprised, because it was so beautiful. I mean, I know that my mum has been doing this for years, almost decade-s, but I can't believe how beautifully arranged those lanterns are. I'll be down again over the weekend and I'll be taking photos of them, and you'll get what I mean. Really, really blown away.

Anyway, before I actually got to Vivo- when I was on my way- I got into this brief discussion with my dad, again, that got me thinking a little. Not technically thinking, but I thought it was pretty funny. We were talking about how my aunt actually named herself Silver for superstitious reasons, because it directly translates to 'win' in Chinese. I have to say that I was almost surprised at how creative she was, but I don't really my future wife will let her go near naming my children. I might though. So then my dad was asking me if it's strange to do so, but at that moment, I was actually quite comfortable with the name because I was thinking along the lines of 'Apple, Lily etc' as names. I was explaining to my dad that it isn't that strange that females can have funny names, that sound normal. That's until my dad said this:

"How about Orange?"

Hmph.

"Wei, you don't have any English name right? How about naming you Orange?"

Orange Ng Se Wei. Wow. I thought it actually fits quite well because if you put 'Orange' and 'Ng' together, you can actually pronounce it! It'll look something like this:

Orangeng

Not too bad eh. Now you know why I grow up silly.

That's my father. That wasn't the worst, because he used to modify a pomelo (it's only recently that I found out pomelo belongs to the citrus family) into a head dress. And did what I did here.

I actually had orange juice for dinner, and I was almost grinning to myself each time I was reaching out for that bottle. My mum hasn't found out about this though, and I'm curious about how she'll react. And she was the one that prepared the orange juices..

Anyway, that thought kept me pretty much entertained throughout dinner. I've been having lonely dinners for so long because everyone's so busy, and I've always been reaching home past 9! To make it worse, usually, I would have brainwashed myself with emo-songs on my way home, and then I would be feeling so depressed by the time I manage to order my food. To make it worse, I'm sort of addicted to feeling like this because both my ear pieces would still be stuck inside my ears as I point out to the guy that's serving me what I want, almost the Zhou Jie Lun kind of acting cool.

It was only until David Archuleta's Crush that's playing that got me so irritated. I mean, look at the lyrics:

I hung up the phone tonight

Something happened for the first time

Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush

?Cause the possibility

That you would ever feel the same way

About me, just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we can be, where this thing can go?

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

?Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain?t going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

Has it ever crossed your mind

When we're hanging, spending time girl?

Are we just friends? Is there more? Is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take

?Cause I believe that we can make this into

Something that will last, last forever, forever!

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we could be, where this thing could go?

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

?Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain?t going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we could be, where this thing could go?

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

?Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain?t going away-ay-ay

This crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away

Going away-ay-ay

(That's the best video I could find though; Youtube's getting pickier with copyright stuff?)

Well, it's not about the fact that it's being cheesy or corny, because sometimes, I do find bubblegum pop nice. I'm sure MANY people do so; just watch Harold and Kumar and you'll understand. Or rather, you'll understand that yourself. It has a nice tune and all, but it's supposed to be sad. No more sad songs~

Well, up next was Lily Allen's Fuck You, and the orange juice back home helped a lot.

Back to Microecons...

____________________________

I love my family :)

Page 26: I Won't Live My Life Stigmatized

2009-09-14T23:01:00.002+08:00

This is probably the best bus-ride-home song after Unwell. It just pops out everytime I'm listening to my music player, and even though I don't really know what Alex Band is singing here, it's nice enough to make me happy- the blissful kind of happy. I doubt that's anywhere the song is heading towards though, because the MTV looks really emo, and sad to say lousy.

Anyway, yes, it's been a while, or at least it's because I've been here on 3 previous occasions, yet not doing anything productive that made me felt like this. It's frustrating though, because I had so many, many things on my mind over the weekend, yet it seemed so difficult to piece them altogether. It's even worse because I was so desperate to rant those thoughts away, because they ain't any good thoughts. Yet as always, football came to the rescue, oh and The Calling too.

That's the funny thing though- I'm always able to move away from all other thoughts as long as I'm playing football. And that made me more convinced that Mark Gungor's description of men's and women's brain is true. Skip the hassle, here's the video:

And that's the thing about comedians; They're always able to watch out for these little details about life, say them out and make a joke out of it. And it's funny most of the time.

But yes, I do have this very huge football 'box' in my brain that rejects all other things most of the time. In fact, if I do try to bring in some other thoughts, or emotions (especially), into my game, I'll most likely not enjoy that afternoon, and the most recent example being the Taylor Swift song lingering in my head during my football trials. I missed every pass and header, although it's not really surprising that I commit the latter.

Yet, I don't think I have many boxes in my mind, because I am technically lazy most of the time. I mean, the fact that it's either Soccernet or Facebook I surf around most of the time tells much. And the worse part about it is, I don't enjoy doing so!

The inescapable clutches of the technological whirlpool.

Then to top off the whole 'box' issue, I am also a really messy person. This means that except for football, I throw everything all over the place, like how facebook notifications can lie on top of economics knowledge. And I'll be writing my economical heartaches on the wall. Yet that's not the most serious; I find myself mixing up actual facts with what happens when I'm sleeping a lot! Like how I would believe that this particular classmate of mine has cut short her hair, only to be shocked that she hasn't the next day. Or how I would have romantic moments with Kristin Kreuk, only to wake up disappointed, and I'll continue feeling like this the whole day. Reminds me of something though- maybe I should go do exchange in Canada. At the very least, I could pretend bumping into dear Kristin on the streets with weed.

I'm saving some mojo for my philo paper and the business report I'm supposed to hand in in less than 2 weeks' time. Here's something to kick away your Monday's blues!

Smile :)

___________________________________

After a while, I'm finally having enough of not-so-fun.

page 25: E........T..........

2009-09-08T20:56:00.000+08:00

Alright, before I finally head into my tutorial assignments, there's something really interesting that I want to write down. It's seldom that I have this kind of sudden muse, and I always have this problem of not knowing what to write when I should, making the following 10 minutes rather precious.

I was having dinner with my father and my uncle a while ago and we were talking about a lot of stuff. I mean, my father seemed to know it all, but I guess it's hardly surprising because he does have a rather big social network. He's 50, a businessman, so that's probably quite natural. So then we started talking about if Armageddon is really possible sometime in the future. It was just some random chit chatting, and then we ended up with the possibility of mankind getting in contact with Extraterrestrials. Perhaps I was thinking along the 'World Peace' line, and I actually believed that it could happen soon. There has been cases whereby people found alien corpses in the forests, which sort of mind, they're here! So I thought communication isn't so far away.

But my father came up with a really different analogy. It was rather amusing at first, but I thought it made absolute logical sense. He asked me, "Would you try communicating with an ant?" It was real funny because I was trying to imagine myself asking an ant for dating tips, yea it's really amusing. Yet that analogy itself made a lot of sense. Unless, of course, those beings that have eyes bigger than Katy Perry, and maybe even bigger than her boobs, are of the same intellect level as us, how are we to communicate? The fact that they are already dropping into our forests show that they are that technologically advent, while mankind are still making a hell of a noise when someone travels to the moon. Really big gap. And what my father said made a lot of sense, why would someone wants to communicate with an ant.

But I guess I'm happy that it's like this. I mean, can you imagine Superman stealing your girlfriend because he is so much buffier. And of course those super powers. Yay, one less competition for Kristen Kreuk.

Katy Perry rocks more each time I listen to her..

anyone, everyone must watch this

2009-09-06T12:43:00.001+08:00

page 24: When People Run In Circle, It's A Very Mad World

2009-09-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am going real mad trying to comprehend my Money and Banking readings that I’ve been doing the whole afternoon. It didn’t help that I tried to do so at home, and I found myself dozing off more than a couple of times, but, but, how do you fucking read math?! Philo reading is already incredibly dry, because you’re just reading Socrates debating against some Greek legends, but at least, at some point, you can expect to be humouredly. But, math, symbols?! What the hell!! I really cannot believe I am taking this module, and I am seriously wondering if I could really get my Economics certificate in a couple of years’ time.

The only good thing was that I didn’t spend much time in front of the television, because it is a Saturday. I feel real sorry for the creative directors that are in charge of the television programmes for the weekend, because it seems that there isn’t very much you could do. Think about it, you’re not supposed to encourage people to stay at home because the government wants people to come out and spend. Also, the shows that you might want to play are probably seen countless times, first on the internet, and maybe the theatres. Even AXN was playing XXX for probably the 257th time in a year. Televisions on Saturdays are incredibly boring.

Therefore, I do feel really sorry for those old people who spent most of their evenings at the coffee shop below my place. The owners of the coffee shop decided to install two plasma televisions to attract more people, but instead of showing the football channel, which they do so every Saturday evening, it was the Taiwanese drama, ‘Ai’ that was playing. Any Taiwanese drama is really bad to me, because they always remind me of Star Trek without special effects and spaceships, and the blackhole theories. AND YET those characters could be talking forever over the corniest stuff, and I always only see them pulling out their pistols, pointing to one another, BUT NOT FIRING. That was already over paying attention on my part.

Anyway, for my dinner, I decided not to be over adventurous and order chicken rice. I was contemplating on getting tze char but I thought that lunch this afternoon was fancy enough, and I thought it’d be good to go staple. My warped logic, don’t ask. Happily, I got my chicken rice and found a seat, some distance away from the television. And as usual, the coffee man would come to me and take order for my drinks, which usually would be teh-peng or the canned wheatgrass drink, and I sort of shocked him a little today. I do wonder if the coffee shop people have this inside joke about me ordering teh-peng all the time, like how Reil and I would have a good laugh at those ‘Wildberry Boys’ at Boost. Those ‘Wildberry Boys’ are really funny because they will always be at Boost Vivo after lunch, and they would always have the same tone ordering their Wildberry juices. Yes, almost robotic, no emotions nothing. Back to my story though, instead of ordering teh-peng, I ordered Milo.

“Not even milo-peng?” the coffee man had his eyes widened. I think he was expecting me to say something but I just shook my head. But I like this guy though, and in fact, it is people like him that make me wonder why so many have this funny stereotype towards Chinese nationals. This guy will always be around to take my orders, always very friendly. And every single time I’m at the coffee shop, I will see him around, which in other words, no break. I guess this sort of tells me that studying is still so much easier compared to serving coffees. Anyway, yes I think Singaporeans should just stop looking at Chinese nationals from a negative point of view.

Of course, I’ve heard stories like scholars washing their dinner plates with the water from the toilet bowl. That was from Huishan a couple of days ago at Starbucks. And I’ve witnessed those construction workers that goes up to the trains or bus sweaty. AND AND, the emperor sex scandal, although I was wondering why is there such a big fuss on whether it happened at NTU pr NUS. But these things happen to Singaporeans too! I remembered watching a 40 year old lady throwing her handbag at MRT seats from 10m away because she wanted to get there first. I was very shocked. And of course, the culture of using tissue paper to ‘chope’ seats. I actually tried using hilighters to do so because it was the only thing I had in my pocket as my packet of tissue paper had ran out, but I found it on the ground when I finally got the food. The unspoken tissue paper rule, and only tissue paper. I was equally shock when I found out about this culture.

I mean, it should still be the love the sinner, hate the sin kind of stuff, and I feel really sad when people start to talk something bad of the Chinese nationals. I’d think of the coffee man below my house, and all his mates who clean the tables. Anyway, these guys that clean that the table are real amazing. They would be there taking your plates away as soon as you finish your food, really. In fact, I did a little experiment on my own, but observing each and every of their movement during lunch time. I saw this particular cleaner who was eyeing around, almost like how discipline masters would watch out for naughty kids in schools. His expression was real intense, no joke, and he would be almost sprinting as soon as he found something to clear. Honestly, r, e, s, p, e, c, t.

Ah, enough rambling. Anyway, this was written to sort of covered up my previous emo entry, which was really horrible. Amused me for a while though.
China rocks.
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Lily Allen and Katy Perry actually rock.

page 23: Love Me, Love Me Not

2009-09-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

I was planning to write something here for quite a while, but I've been trying to catch up with a bit of studies the past week, which took quite a while because I was still in the holiday mood during the first couple of weeks in school. And of all the possible ways that I could wake up from this academic hiatus, it has to be that the passing on of my grandmother that I realised that I am really behind. The crudest possible blessing in disguise, really.

Talking about my grandmother, it has actually been a while since the funeral that I realised that she is no longer around. My brain with filled with so much stuff (worries most of the time though) that I didn't dare think of anything else much. It's crazy, really, especially when I was trying to comprehend those sophisticated money and banking formula. Guess what, I still can't get them, and I think there's supposed to be an assignment handed up soon. I was finally able to take a little bit of a breather today (that's why I feel less guilty to actually blog), because for once, I actually started school late, and reach home early. I finally had enough sleep and was so delighted when I stepped into the house before the sun has set. Sometimes, it is such cheap thrills that brighten up your life, no?

It was only when I stepped into the shower room that I realised my grandmother was no longer around. I was trying to reach for the soap when I realised that the toilet seat only my grandmother used because she's unable to squat is still around, and for a few seconds, it felt really strange that there are people you loved that is no longer around. It actually felt more strange than sad, until I finally realised that I miss my grandmother. Sometimes, I wonder if she knows if we miss her, and then I'll switch that thought away because I don't really want her to- We have to let go.

Yet what happened to my grandmother has sparked some thoughts. 2 nights ago, I was with JX and HS at Starbucks down at Central, a short distance from all of our place. I still find it amazing that we can talk so much, and sometimes, very intelligently, although I was always the one getting really quiet when things start to get more complicated. But there'll always be one topic that's always lingering around, relationships. I don't think it was the first time, but we were asking one another when is our preferred age to get married. And then I began to worry. Seriously, I am quite worried that I'll never get hitched because I have barely dated, and the few times I have actually gone up with the people I'd liked didn't turn out very well. Not that there was a lot anyway (if I recall, twice?). And then HS was saying that I'm still really too young to worry, because I'm a guy, and JX was saying that I shouldn't get married for the sake for getting married. It turned out to be a pretty good laugh after a while, but I was still worried.

It's not that I'm worried that no one will like me, even though I agree that I have to work hard on how to flirt and be a gentleman at the same time, but yes, that wasn't the big problem. What I'm worried is if I'll ever get close to the person that I sincerely and genuinely like, in short, love. Exactly like what JX said, I do not want to marry for the sake of marrying, and in other words, I do not want to be together with someone ELSE. It doesn't help that I can be very emotional, and sentimental, which probably explains how I could actually love football and nothing else much for most part of my life. After all, I do view that falling in love should not happen too often, because if it does, where's its value?

Then again, if you really fall in love, shouldn't you be happy that your supposed interest is as happy as possible? The less about yourself and more about someone else logic?

Anyway, when my grandmother passed away, I was really disappointed not I'll not have any grandparent at my wedding (if I do get married). But it also triggered another thought- at which point will people actually be forced out of their comfort zones? At death? I was recalling how a friend's friend jumped when his girlfriend decided to want to break up. I never understood the true essence of breaking up though, because I don't think people truly in love would ever flirt with that thought. And it was quite obvious that my friend's friend's (let's call him Tom) girlfriend really loved Tom, because she was crying that hard at the funeral. As gullible as I sometimes can be, I really doubt that she was putting up a show, and I do believe that that couple was truly in love until tragedy happened. Then again, I might have forgotten the fact that people are only missed when they are gone. I should have been clearer about that.

My thoughts are getting all over the place, and you could tell from my writings, and that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks, and sometimes, I can get quite stressed as a result. I would be clutching my head every now and then, although I'll make sure that no one sees it when I do so. It gets especially painful when Economics formula gets really hard, and sometimes, my brain just refused to work any longer. Anyway, to keep everything succinct and thus simpler, I just thought that things shouldn't be decided only when tragedy surfaces, like how (on a more emo-romantic point of view) I do not want to say 'I love you' only when things go really wrong, because 'I love you' should always be a happy quote. And that actually made me a little happier, because I know that my grandmother didn't go away disappointed. She managed to see everyone one very last time, and went into that one last battle so bravely, and a little suave too.

I should really try to complete my readings right now, and to summarize, emotionally, if you know what I mean, I'm still caught in the middle. I don't pray for everything to go without anymore hiccups, but for things to get more awkward and uncomfortable, it will really be disappointing. Things are looking happier, so I guess it's not too bad right now.

_____________________________

I still think that it's quite difficult to unlike something you really do. Then again, what's the point of trying to do so?

page 22: Predictably Unpredictable

2009-08-28T00:41:00.002+08:00

It's funny how life maps out sometimes. Correction. It's funny how life maps out ALL the time. I miss my grandmother the minute I reached the hospital two midnights ago, and sadly, that's because I thought I should have spent more time with her. However, how she left wasn't all that dramatic and sudden, because she hang around long enough to see everyone that's important to her. Yet, it would be a serious overstatement to say that no one was shocked by grandma's condition, and for once, one week felt like a second.

My grandma was probably one of those last genuinely cool people that is around. She witnessed live executions from her time in China, which was quite amusing, especially from the way my cousin described. The body was still struggling and trying to run, yes run, away when the head has dropped on the ground. And how the executioner and the official was trying to push the blame for execution as far as possible.

She went through years in the jungle during the Japanese occupation, surviving on tree barks and sometimes grass. One thing that scared me quite a bit was how she saw people, so hungry that they'll chopped up little kids and feast on it. With the crude and cruel intentions aside, it was still pretty desperate considering how disgusted my cousin's snake was when it actually bit on him back in the States.

She loves my mom so much that my mom was crying so, so hard when the doctor informed us that she has left as soon as we reached the hospital. I was really worried initially, but I know that my mom has been through enough to handle such misfortunes. Then again, thinking about this makes me really unhappy, because I really, really hate to see anyone crying, and especially my mom. In fact, the picture of my family tearing was playing in my head so bad that I find my tears welling-up every now and then, and I'll have to skip to other thoughts asap. Which made the theory of multiplier effect so much sense now.

My grandma was also cool because she would wear this tinted sunglasses all the time, making that sort of her trademark. In fact, she's probably one of the few old people that I could stereotype off old people. Of course, that's partly because she's my grandma but her image never changed for the past 20 years, yet it's not old-fashioned; it's rather, recongnisable. She would never allow the slightest strand of grey hair to be seen and even though she did have them perm, it wasn't all that elaborated and very well-kempt. I don't think I've seen anyone cooler at her age.

And she shared the same birth year as LKY.

BUT the coolest thing about her must be she treats chicken rice as staple! When she was staying at my house for that couple of weeks, everyday, she would either my brother or I to take-away chicken rice for her, and it'll always be more chicken and less rice. And she would always ask us to share it with her, which makes me regret so much now because I was always rushing for time around the house. One less chicken rice fan.

And that makes me come to this thought which has been lingering on my mind every since last Friday. I get irritated by people easily, and even though I don't express them that much, I do get frustrated quite every now and then. I would be so emotionally affected that I could stay like that the whole day and not do anything until I found something more meaningful to think about, which was always seldom the case. I would sleep my problems away more often than not. And the news of my grandma being in critical condition came at a time when I felt things were going destructively wrong for me, football, school etcetera. Yet it was only then when I realised, already you don't have enough time to love the people you should love, why hate? Or maybe not as extreme, why get affected by trivial happenings? Because I was looking back at how much more time I could have spent with my grandma when she was around. She could be senile and all but those moments are priceless, and once it's gone, it's gone.

My voice was still cracking this morning when I lit the joss stick to greet my grandma good morning! I was thinking about how she would smile back at me because I'd always make those 'Good mornings' loud and happy.

Probably cliche after you read this a few more times, but I don't think there's enough time for love. It's such a wonderful thing yet we're always taking it for granted so much. Sometimes, incidents like this teach you the most, and it's only at these moments when you wish that you would have learnt those lessons earlier. Which is why I'll learn to be happy all over again for my grandma. At the very least, we all want her to know that everything's well and good, and that we will always be a really happy family.

And I'll be on guard tomorrow, right before the funeral on saturday afternoon. Do drop by to see my super cool grandma one last time, and also because the food catered is really not bad. The wake is held under my block so leave me a note if you're doing so.

I love my grandmother.

page 21: Staying Strong

2009-08-25T23:15:00.002+08:00

I am supposed to be finishing up my tutorials for tomorrow but I'm still struggling to start them. Not that I haven't been trying, and in fact, I was quite productive for the last half an hour on catching up. Yes, I'm a little bit behind now, because as usual, I sort of believe that I have this super-powered brain that can handle last minute work, but proved wrong more often than not. And I'll get distracted most of the time, emotionally especially. And what brought me here ain't something of a good news either. I do wish that I'm here only because I needed a break from staring at those boring economic texts though.

So before you continue reading, I'll have to apologise that what follows maybe a little negative, whinny and thus uninspiring. I still want to thank every of those people who had encouraged me about what has been going on in my life for the past few days, and I sincerely appreciate every effort to do so. It feels really special to know that people do care for you. Really, really special.

Yet there's one word that has been going around for some time that I never really understood. Strong, staying strong. I would have said that the exact same thing to most other people in similar circumstance, because it seems to be the most appropriate context at this point of time. And considering I am not that vocabulary proficient, I'll probably not want to say too much and just stay with the safe option and use the same wish. No, no, I am not trying to be sacarstic or anything nasty, and I appreciate every bit that people telling me to stay strong, so don't misunderstand anything. That is what I would do anyway, but only until now that I realised or rather not realise what is the meaning of that.

I do not know whether it is a blessing in disguise that my grandmother is already counting down by the hours. I don't think she knows much about that though, but the doctor did call an hour ago telling my aunt that there is nothing much he can do after the latest operation. Just wait. Which comes my question of staying strong. So is staying strong taking that as a good news because at the very least, we still have that final few days with her? Or is it to that idea and hopes that someone could come along and maybe do an intestine transplant. Because to me, death is never the relieve of any sufferings; only recovery. And to think that recovery is not a likely option is petrifying. and very sad right now.

And by staying strong, is it to hold back tears when bad news breaks out? Because if that's really the case, I think I'm doing that quite well, except that I do not feel so. I really want to cry, really, really want to, because at least if I tear right now, no one could see me do so and it'll be less ego-deflating. I felt so terrible when I saw tears welling up my mom's eyes when she received the news, and I'm still having this funny ache underneath my chest right now. And somehow, I'm always unable to do anything productive when I'm feeling like that, making me so jealous of those people who could bury their sorrows in work. I find them real incredible, no lie. I know I should stay strong but how the fuck to do so? Smile?!

It's even more saddening to know this when Ah Ma was really giving her best shot to fight away whatever that was killing her. She really made all of us proud with that kind of attitude. Like how she told the doctor to take that gamble for her latest operation. Yet I could tell she would be so reluctant to leave us so prematurely. It's never a right time to leave, but it still seemed so early despite her being 86. Who wouldn't, when she has the life that many could old folks could only dream about, daughters loving her so much with already 2 grandkids, my cousins, so successful in their lives? It's perhaps those most blissful period for her right now, yet out of a sudden, it has to be taken away oh so quickly.

Maybe that's what it's meant by staying strong- fighting till the end. I'll be visiting her tomorrow morning before school and I really hope that that will not be the last time I see my grandma. I'm guessing I still secretly wish that she could make this miraculous recovery eventually. I'll be sleeping thinking of this anyway.

Enough ranting I guess.

All the way Ah Ma!! JIA YOU!!

page 20: A Happier Entry

2009-08-24T22:37:00.002+08:00

Yes, this will be a happier entry because things got so much better today. First of all, though, I do want to thank all those that asked me about my Ah Ma and told me to stay strong. It really, really helped, and cheered me up because I knew that you guys cared. I love you all twice as much now! And here's the good news: Ah Ma has gotten so much better this afternoon! I couldn't get to visit her though, because I was out of the house as early as 7 today, and only just reached home, and that makes me hate Mondays even more. However, I did make a call to my mom and to hear her so much happier made me really delighted. She was telling me how Ah Ma was able to start talking again, and even asked for Sugarcane drink because she hasn't eaten and drank anything for days. And also how she talked back to my aunt, classic Ah Ma! Only bad news was no news from the doctors yet, because I was hoping that the doctor could just come in and tell us he/she can save her. But I won't be thinking about that, and hope that Ah Ma can recover exponentially in the following days. I'm rushing to the hospital the first thing tomorrow morning!

Anyway, there was just this special aura the whole of today. I was happy that I finally got settled in in my project group and managed to give some positive inputs during discussions. Ego was playing this horrible villain that made me so grumpy last week, and I'm so glad I'm just able to get rid of it over the weekend. And everything's so happy and nice now, plus the fact that there are pretty girls in class! Apparently, one of them is Jean Yip's daughter, and I must say that her dressing is so damn elaborated. She has a nice figure to pull of that off anyway, so I'm not complaining too much.

Another good news, and that is I survived from any cuts from training today. I guess I was sort of lucky that it is the Ramadan period right now, and that many team mates couldn't train, making the group a particularly small one. However, the session today was real tough, and I was still having trouble getting my touches right. I had cramps on both my quads as soon as I stopped running for warm-down and had to struggle on the ground for quite a while. Then again, I'm fairly satisfied with how I played today, and my touches were good again half way through the session. Not exactly ideal, but at least my performance ain't that poor. I have less than one month, 29 days to be exact, to up myself though, and I'll make the best of it. At least I'm so much fitter than when I started. But I'm still itching right now because there seems to be some kind of itch powder on NUS fields. I always itch after training, and it irritates the hell out of me. Not that I'm going to allow this to affect my happy day anyway.

Plus I got free 30 bid points for doing the CORS survey a while ago :D

And tomorrow I'm gonna bump into some supermodel pretty girl that gives me her number. I think pretty is a more attractive feature than beautiful though- it's less lusty. Maybe that other eyecandy than Jean Yip's daughter. Maybe.

I guess I'm high on good news now. Most importantly, I still want my Ah Ma to make that miraculous recovery. After all, she has been fighting pretty hard now, and from her experience with WWII, I do believe that she can survive one more time. Many more times in fact. Best part is, I can have chicken rice with her soon enough, because she is the only other person I know that regards chicken rice as staple :D

Smile with me :))

Life rocks!

Page 19: Cheerleader please.

2009-08-23T02:26:00.003+08:00

Bruno was an absolutely crazy show, and it's been such a long time since I have laughed so hard. In fact I was already tearing, and the closest time I can remember was when I first saw the Japanese Binocular Soccer video. Just multiply that ten times and you could probably get how I felt towards Bruno. I was choking so hard by the time I left the theatre. I needed those good laughs and I was really glad to get them. I need to find more of such things like this to fill my life up though, of course at a lesser economic expense, $10 every 2 hour is no joke, which is surprisingly equivalent to my 2 hours of preparing juices at Boost. I was there till midnight anyway.

I received some news from my mom about my grandmother during my dinner break. And they didn't sound good at all. I won't go to the extend saying that it was absolutely horrible that things like this happen, because whatever that is happening is still following what the doctor has predicted. In fact, it's already good news that my grandma is still surviving after that 'couple' of days, which still gives room for miracles. How happy everyone would be if that really happens.

Just that it becomes slimmer though. My mom was telling me how grandma's limbs were beginning to swell up, and also how she was unable to pass out wastes for the past 2 hours. They suspected that perhaps her kidneys were having trouble functioning, and it could be the rest of her body in the coming hours. The worse part of it all was, my mom did tell me that my grandma would acknowledge to anyone who came to greet, meaning that she is still conscious to all of such pain.

That scared me a hell lot. It's those kind of scare which you do not immediately realise but it gets to you eventually. I was wondering how desperate my grandma must have felt. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I really didn't dare imagine. To tell you the truth, I was and still am a real lucky boy because all my life, I have so many people that love me so much. I thought back at those times when I was really ill (and in fact, I've never gotten really ill before- which again shows how blessed I am), I would have someone to look for, for help. Most of the time, of course, would be my mom, and I will always feel so safe and comfortable with her around. And I know that if really something terrible happens to me, I could still trust that my mom would be there making sure that I would recover.

But what happens to grandma? Even the doctors are at lost of what to do next. I do not want to go into judging whether the doctors are capable or not, and besides, that is not the issue. I mean, my grandma is still awake, albeit dazed from the morphine that was injected to kill the pain. She probably knows that something is very wrong inside her, probably still as painful, although I could imagine that the dazed effects from the morphine could be pretty nauseating, even more uncomfortable than pain itself. And what if she was looking for the same kind of security only her mother could give. And as she waits and waits, and the illness becoming worse and worse, it might never arrive.

Maybe I'm wrong to put myself into her shoes in that kind of situation, but I'm just sad to know of the possibility that she could go away suffering. I really hope that's not the case, but it's looking more and more like this as the hours passed by. Everyone's still hoping for the next news, but I don't really dare to prepare myself for any kind of reaction. I always that preparation could be curse, like how you should never prepare to fail. Yet the scariest part of it all comes when I question if I want things like that to continue dragging on. It's neither healthy.

That's life you know, but the good thing is, you're not really that one that is making the decisions. Someone else does it for you. I do hope that that particular someone else does acknowledge that a miracle is part of the options, even though it could be that one wild card in those countless decks. At the very least, I believe my grandma should be happier than she is right now, and less painful.

I really hate to see people suffer, especially the people I love so much. I do try to get myself off from all these thoughts, like catching a movie a while ago, or forced myself into the philo text I desperately needed to get a hang of. And then I thought that it would be really selfish to do them alone, and even though I could finally laugh freely and crazily at Bruno, I just wished that everyone I know was doing the same thing, except that they are not. I tried reading philo to get some logic, only to slap myself back, somehow reminding me that whatever happen is nothing happy at all.

I wish that whoever is reading this could cherish the people around you though. Especially the people you love. It probably sound oh-so cliche and corny, but somehow, the corniest statements makes most sense. Love the people around you.

Because the scary thing now is, we are all waiting, waiting and waiting, for something that we so desperately wish that will not happen. And then we are hoping and hoping, yet that didn't seem too tangible at all. Seriously, I don't know how to feel positive in these kinds of situations.

page 18: A Series of Unfortunate Events

2009-08-22T10:08:00.000+08:00

I have discovered one of the best ways to deal with that little bit of depression after potentially the worst day of my life. Or rather the worst 5 days of my life. I never wanted to feel that way, because who doesn't want to be happy, but I haven't been feeling the best for the past week, but that mood sort of went away after my 11 hours of sleep. Things could get worse, and it'll be painful to go through those couple of days crying with my family. I hate to see my mother cry, especially when I know that she loves my grandmother so, so much. You don't measure things like love, but it's real amazing how my mom could love somebody else. To me, she's really the ultimate human being. But I guess right now, to keep myself positive is the least I could do, which is why I'll sum up the last 5 days of rubbish and mental instability- I was actually stretched and stressed.

It began on Monday, when I didn't really like the idea of my project group for TR2201. I didn't believe it was that feasible, but more because I didn't get everyone to believe in my idea. I have to admit, it is an ego problem, and I am quite happy with my project group's aims right now, but at that point of time, I was already frustrated. It also didn't help that that day was particularly long, and I haven't slept much the previous night because I needed to wash up all the clothes I've messed with mud during the game on Sunday. It was raining tigers and lions, and everything I wore turned brown.

I was falling asleep by 2 hours into my first lesson, in fact I did fall asleep for maybe a couple of minutes. I don't usually do so in a seminar-styled class but I was indeed that tired that day. Anyway, lessons didn't end until 6, when I finally made my way down to the football pitch for my third round of trials. Yes you could tell how I did during the trials afterward so I don't really want to elaborate much. At the very least, I didn't tear any muscles or break anything important.

Tuesday came and go very quickly but I somehow did not receive the tuition fees from my student. That $120 was particularly important because I desperately needed to get my textbooks, but there was nothing I could do much only to collect the week after. I wasn't that emotionally charged over that though- I don't think I'm that fussy- but I was just unhappy things are not going my way, though I wasn't exactly aware of that consciously. So the negative 'energy' is slowly building up.

Another long day on Wednesday, mostly because I had to work at Boost that morning. I received one good news though, and that is I could bring one small drink home every time after work since I've been working for more than 3 months. Yet, that was the only good news that day. During lunch time, I met this really grumpy, aloof and arrogant Caucasian, who was, yes, nasty. He was there with 2 metro-looking guys, while there were the 'Wildberry Guys' queuing behind him. We call them the 'Wildberry Guys' because they always only order Wildberry Juices. And that meant that I had to handle up to 6-7 orders alone. So I guess you could tell how tight my hands were tied at that point of time.

After finishing the first 2 orders, I decided to prepare the next 3 orders concurrently, because they were the same drinks. And that pissed that 'Chao Ang Moh' big time. He came over and told me this, "I know it's hard on you that you're alone, but understand that we have our limitations. I have waited for 12 minutes and I beg you to understand that we have our lunch hours."

What the fuck. I could have just splashed his drinks on his face at that point of time. Yes dude, I know it's taking quite long to prepare the drinks but I believe the rest of the customers are equally unhappy about the wait too. They too have lunch times. I really hate this feel about the White Men's Supremacy. It's fucking everywhere and you could do nothing about it.

It didn't help that I played real badly the following evening, and that disappointed me a hell lot because football was something I really wanted to do since summer. It would be fair to say that the only thing I'm in school for right now is football, even though I realised I need to buck up on academics as well. I will too, but since it's only the first couple of weeks, I really wanted to get selected first. The rest could wait. I was almost cut from the team that day- I should have been- which made me real grateful that I still have a second chance. Right until now, I'm still shocked at my level of performance that day, and still waiting for the next chance to prove myself all over again, knowing that that next chance would be more difficult.

Thursday was equally long too, also because I had to do opening at Boost. I did enjoy the Biz Comm class during the late afternoon though, because it was our first presentation of the semester. I wasn't exactly presenting, but somehow presentations are so much more interesting than lectures, that despite my tutor was really fun and interesting. She's an African-American who has a lot of stories to tell, but I guess I was just hoping for a change of approach and pace in any classes.

Finally Friday, and honestly, I was quite surprised that Friday was here. The week just flew through and I was actually wondering if Friday's Thursday, something like that. I sat alone for my first lecture, and I'm still shock at what actually happened right now. It was ridiculous really, but I'm really curious why it actually happened. Again it shows how much things can change across semesters, proving my favourite quote right again, "But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody." I wasn't expecting anything wonderful much, but not something so direct slapped onto my face. Come to think of it, it's really amusing, but I guess frustrating at the same time. Just weird.

Somehow I was quite affected by that and I couldn't pay much attention to the remaining lectures. In fact, I was having this long logic debate with myself, that I shouldn't let any thoughts to affect me from learning and listening to lectures. I was still on the topic during lunch with Yong Chun and Daniel, although it always helps when you're not alone. Company is always good.

And I made my way down to SRC after everything to wait for the bus towards NTU for my much anticipated game. I wasn't really excited by then because of what had happened, but I had to psyche myself up anyway. Technically my final chance, and I would have that opportunity to shine because less players are going today due to the start of the Ramadan period. I was actually quite relaxed about football by then. Yet that was not to be. I received a phone call from my dad.

The first thing I saw when I entere my grandmother's ward was my mom's really swollen eyes. It really saddens me to see my mom so dejected. She was choking as she was speaking to us, but at least she was able to mumbled words clear enough for us to understand. The worst have happened. My grandma's still surviving right now and all of us are still praying, but the doctor did address us to prepare for the worst. Grandma just had 2 operations in 3 days and another one would have been 90% lethal so no one dared explored that option, but it's real shocking because for the past couple of days Ah Ma was recovering very well. Too well I guess.

Oh, my heart's so heavy everything I think about this. I had this dream last night though, and that is about my grandmother. She was still looking so healthy, with her uber cool tinted glasses that she has been wearing whenever she is not home. It really makes her look young, which is why I never believed she has aged over my whole lifetime. Her hair was still brown and permed, which meant that she was still visiting the hairdresser quite frequently, and we were just talking about random stuff. When she was still staying in Bukit Merah, I would visit her every Saturday before football, and she would be so happy to see me because she was usually alone. Both my cousins have moved out and it wasn't long before that unit was sold with her staying with my aunt, but my brother and I would visit her every now and then.

My grandma was probably one of the most intellectual old people I've met, of course, not at our MM's kind of intellectual, but she was still reading newspaper past 80 years of age. She would have so many things to say, which I guess was the reason behind 'Grandmother's quotes' but they all seemed more entertaining each time. Old people have poor memory, so their stories would have have different climax all the time, but yes, really interesting. And it's especially interesting, because honestly speaking, I am not that close to my grandmother, and in fact, we have never stayed under the same roof before. But that made her all the more cool, even the way she smokes. I mean, I'm really not a fan of smokers but her cigarette just have the nice burnt that I am not irritated with. Not too much of it of course. It's a good thing that I'll remember only the good stuff, but that saddens me a lot because I haven't known her enough.

I used to have this dream that I would have wanted all the people I know attending my wedding somewhere down the road (if I really do find a supermodel that likes me), and after both my great grandmother and my grandfather passed away, I was really hoping that my grandmother could live long enough to talk to my future wife. I really wanted my future wife to meet my grandma anyway because she was just so cool. It was funny when my grandma asked me where's my girlfriend when my brother brought Cynthia to her place during CNY, but come to think of it, I'm really sadden by it. I'm not giving up though, on praying that my grandma can indeed recover however slim the chances are. One thing I remembered from my dream last night too, was that my grandma do want to live for the longest time possible, and she was happy saying that. Dreams do come true, right?

Currently, there's not any news from the hospital, which probably means good news. Like what my cousin Duff has said, she did survive World War II after all, and this is probably nothing compared to bombshells, bullets and horny Japnenese. So I believe she is mentally strong enough to give it a real hard fight.

Whatever happens, I'm real proud to have such a cool and strong grandma. And I still imagine myself addressing her during my wedding speech in the future. I'm gonna be as positive as I can right now, because good things only happen to happy people. Worry about me not, because I believe in miracles.

page 17: What Next?

2009-08-21T20:11:00.000+08:00

I am absolutely speechless right now, because I never thought that my day could end up any worse. The only positive take back though, would be like how my Philo prof quote Ronald Reagen today, that "Had there been aliens attacking Earth during the Cold War, Russians and Americans would have been the best of friends". Of course, it's not like I have any enemies- I was just upset and frustrated at how things can change so dramatically, but I wasn't really angry with anyone. Yet what just happened made my drama this afternoon absolutely trivial, though it was originally trivial anyway. I'm glad that I was able to move away from that state of mind, BUT I am really distraught that it has to be something that is really serious for me to feel less ridiculous. Ahh, I do not know how to put it in words, but to make everything so much shorter, my grandmother is in the hospital and the doctor isn't very hopeful. A couple of days at most.

The worst part of it all though was when I was holding onto my grandmother's hand. And times like these always makes you regret all the things you never did or said, yet at that point of time, holding her hand was the only thing I could do. I didn't know what to say to her, because I really did not want her to have any thoughts of giving up. Who doesn't pray for miracles- she did survive a couple of operations within 3 days though. And according to my cousin, World War II (NOT meant to be funny). A while ago, I used to wonder how I would handle deaths of my loved ones, but I'm still at a loss at even how to feel.

All I feel know is that it seems that I am corrupted by the wrong logic, and this rock resting on my chess, and in fact, I had trouble breathing when I was in the lift a while ago.

I might have no grandparents at my wedding, if I ever do get married.

Seriously, fuck my life.

page 16: I was equally scared

2009-08-21T15:57:00.005+08:00

I wasn't planning on coming to the SVU lab anytime soon, because it was sort of a depressing place to be in. I guess I am in the right mood now though and besides, I didn't really have anywhere better to go to while I wait for the bus ride to my make-or-break game later on at NTU. A 2 hours wait, and it's especially long when you have to do so alone- Shaun, perhaps my only buddy for the trials, was cut from the team last training. I also needed some vault to vent my frustrations because I was and still am really shocked at what happened this morning.

It'll be a lie to say that I didn't see it coming though, because to some extent, I'm pretty good with body language. Then again, it would have taken an idiot to say something is not right at the moment. Honestly speaking, I wasn't hoping for anything fairytale, or rather, I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting either. I just wanted things nice, comfortable and easy, like how I would be able to communicate with any other friends about the moon and the stars for the longest time possible. At the very least, I wasn't expecting the emotion, scared.

Again, it would be untrue that I might not feel comfortable sitting without anyone else as well. And I guess that was why both of us were so desperate to get Gabriel out for lunch last week, same time. And if I do have another acquaintance in the same lecture group, I wouldn't hesitate to drag him along as well. But I guess I'm unlucky enough not to know anyone else, which probably forced me back into the try to play along fine and be comfortable mode. I guess you would have been trying this pretty hard, and I wasn't sponteneous enough for that to be successful. I was worried about being spontaneous anyway. And that makes me, logically speaking, glad that the bobo text came at the right time. Probably the clearest answer yet.

I'm still quite clueless about where to go next though. Perhaps it's because I'm quite trapped in the whole philosophical cycle in which there shouldn't be definite answers to anything at all. In fact, I'm really quite tired of all the salvaging, and really sick of trying to act so nonchalant and react normally. After a while it's really quite painful. I have to say I am really upset that things have to end up as such. And I guess it's quite pointless to consider it turning into something else anyway.

Ah, so sorry I have to make this post so damn negative. But to be clear, I really do not blame anyone, unless we're talking about how I am unable to balance logic and emotions. Or maybe it's because I try to balance them to well and that's why things looked so artificial. Anyway, I wish I really do stop caring about such trivial and ridiculous matters. Thank you for finally letting know you were scared though, which allows me to move away a little further. I, too, don't enjoy being awkward and uncomfortable anyway.

And just to make things clear, the juices and the souvenirs weren't intended for any forms of courtship either. I thought I would have done so for any other friends that I haven't seen for a long time, just something nice enough, but maybe too much. I don't know, and I'm even more unsure how is it wrong being nice. Fuck the boring lectures and philo to get my thoughts so complicated.

It's probably good to draw a line right now. Nothing beyond hi or bye, or maybe even lecture notes, but yes, acquaintance sounds good. I don't know if you'll ever read this, or agree with this, but right now I guess that's what I want to do.

_____________________

Sometimes, it is really silly to be bothered by all this drama. I was having trouble paying attention to the lectures. That's why I really wish that football is still on later. Make it or not, it doesn't matter anymore because at least for a few hours, I'll be thinking about how to make the best out of the ball with my legs.

As usual, I still need to grow up.

_____________________

Sometimes, I do wish that we have never met.

page 15: Random Ramblings

2009-08-20T20:52:00.000+08:00

It has been a rather long time since I last reached home early, early enough for me to laze in front of the television for a couple hours, and maybe plan to read something up for school. I am loving school thus far though, probably also because it hasn't been that difficult yet. It pretty much helped a lot that most of my lecturers/ tutors can really speak, including the Korean Economics lecturer, who is forever spitting into the mic. He does make it sound like it's the mic's fault though, which always seems to be exploding anytime soon. I wouldn't say that Korean lecturer is perfect though, but I can listen to him talk for more than 1 hour, he's pretty good I guess. There was 1 last semester which I couldn't survive for more than 15 minutes. I would be in my own little world once that 15 minutes buffer is up. Probably also because there were lots of potential eyecandies in that class too. Ahh..

I reached home at about 7, and it has been a while since I actually boarded an overcrowded bus. It's really shocking how overcrowded bus 143 actually was, because it is usually the bus that has good frequency and most of the time double-decked. I was rather disappointed too, because I was hoping I could find a good seat so that I could finally start reading up on my Philo text, and I immediately gave up that thought as soon as I was queuing to board the bus. That crowded. In fact, the bus had to skip almost 4-5 stops because somehow, everyone enjoyed rubbing their buttocks to one another's. There wasn't anyone looking to alight, and when finally the bell rang, there was only one miserable passenger squeezing his way down the steps, to the door, almost shutting on him as he tried to reach for the ez link machine. The driver still wasn't willing to pick up any passengers, and you could see how smug those on board were. I guess that's the only positive thought when you're on a sardine-packed bus- you're on it!

I caught this girl stealing glances at me though, but I guess she was more curious about why I looked so miserable then. My arm pit was itching quite bad, like how the wrong part of your bodies will itch just as you carried the box out of the room. It would have been absolutely unglam to do so with a sardine packed bus, and it would have been so obvious because the 'pit' that was itching extends out to the hand that was holding onto the post for balance. I was breathing quite hard though, but for those few minutes, I'd like to think that that girl was looking at me because I'm tall, dark and handsome. The only other positive thought than not be on the bus I guess, besides, I've been the one looking curious, and most of the time, people stare at me because I was eating on the bus. I caught her thrice, through my very-sophisticated peripheral vision, something I always wish to use on the field though- and it was largely absent on Wednesday. Then again, I think it's only naturally to look back when you realised that someone is looking at you, which I did, only for her to be shocked for half a second, and look away. I get caught a lot of times myself though. That kept me entertained for quite a while, at least until the bus reaches Harbour Front, when 3 quarters of the passengers went rushing down and out. I was so glad that I could finally sit down, especially since my hamstring has been feeling weird since the weekend. That's what you get if you do not stretch properly after exercising.

I didn't take out my Philo text though, and I was just sitting down, totally stoned. I didn't even take out my music player because somehow, it just didn't feel right. I guess sometimes, the most irritating noise makes the best music. I was quite relaxed at that point of time, having random thoughts floating across my mind, more to do with football though.

Football has been rather bad though. I thought Monday was already bad enough, but my performance on Wednesday was just disgusting. I didn't have too long to make any impression, only 30 minutes, and I could actually screw 31 minutes up. I hate to be negative, about football especially, but it was that bad. I didn't feel good warming up, still experiencing the strains especially from that hamstring, but I was telling myself not to let them affect me. Logically speaking, I could still do fine with those slight aches, but I'm always able to amplify the whole thing one way or another. It took a long while for the opponents to get ready too, and I was feeling super lethargic by the time the referee walked onto the pitch.

The game finally began, and my first touch of the ball went straight to their last man. I was still quite positive then because I was actually trying to intercept a missed pass, and things like that are usually forgivable. Yet it only became worse. The next 2 balls I tried to trap bounced off my legs before I could actually react, and I was having a lot of trouble keeping possesion. I conceded a couple of free kicks, and the corner that I took resulted in a counter-attack by the opponent, which was also the only goal my side conceded. As I trot off the field, I could tell from the expressions of my coach and captain that my performance has really been off, and my chances of making it for the squad is really very slim. In fact, had I not trained with the team the whole of summer, I would be ranting about how disappointed I was from getting cut right now. I guess I really have to thank those seniors who believed that I still am good enough.

And that makes tomorrow absolutely crucial. Either I impress a hell lot, if not I'm back to just Sunday football, and one step further from trying to make a statement that Chinese players can play football. And I've finally realised why there was this report that footballers in Italy are most stressed, despite only 'working' 4 hours every single day. Then again, it could be anything after tomorrow, and from the looks of it, I am porbably the next to be released, so nothing to lose I guess. I am real grateful that I have this one last chance, and I need to find the joy in playing football all over again. I'm quite sure I'll do so tomorrow.

So I actually did all sorts of thing to enjoy myself as soon as I got off the bus. And that is to finally get KFC for dinner! I was famished by the time I reached the People's Park's outlet though, because lunch was just Apple Pie with Soya milk as I was rushing to school from work. I ordered a 2 piece chicken meal, upsized my drink as well as my whipped potato to large. I also made sure that I don't get any drumstick and the cashier was sort of shocked at how I actually insisted. The epitome of Singapore gluttony. They didn't have large whipped potato and the cashier actually offered to replace that with 4 small cups, which would add up to the serving of the large one anyway. Anyway, that's a lot of food, and at that point of time, I was suspecting if I could finish them.

I found myself almost jogging halfway through my walk home because I was just so excited to sit down in front of the television and dig into those food. A neighbour was staring at me because I was sort of grinning when we were in the elevator. I was almost rushing, and I almost broke my key because I forced the wrong one into the lock of the gate. I switched on the television, tore open the KFC boxes, and my butt was stuck to the ground for the next 45 minutes. And I finished everything, including some of the bones. If not for football, I would have been a big round loser by now.

My best dinner for quite a while though.

Enough of random ramblings for now I guess. There's still the unread Philo text on my bed since a couple of hours ago. I'm still grinning from my KFC now though.

Finger Lickin' Good. Chicken deserves to be eaten.

page 14: I Still Need To Raise My Game

2009-08-17T23:08:00.003+08:00

The training today is technically the third trial and I'm already having so many butterflies. I was shockingly poor today and I had to actually pray hard that I did not get kick out of the team so soon. And lucky enough, I manage to get through, and I guess I've finally understood why American Idols looked so grim each time during the elimination rounds. Currently, there are still so many players coming for training, and like what Arvind said, there seemed to be more players each time even after the eliminations. However, it's only good that so many people are coming for the selection though, because competition can raise standards. SUNIG is one real important tournament, and after getting the news that SIM had beaten Ngee Ann Poly 2-0, the competition ain't that easy either.

I was feeling a lot of aches from the accumulated fatigue over the last couple of weeks. I always like to feel like this when I'm resting, because my coach did tell before that it's only when you feel the pain are you improving. I miss him though, and I think I should visit him real soon. But I wasn't all that eager to feel like an after-mission super hero before training today, because I was really hoping to force my coach to consider me for selection. I did warm up twice hoping that the aches could subside a little, but my the time we finished the first session, I was having trouble to pass the ball properly.

I did try to tell myself to focus just a little bit more, yet each time I do that, I would end up panicking and release the ball for the opponents. It took me quite a while before I could finally settled myself down, but by then, I doubt that the coach was really looking at the game. We had certain running intervals in between and halfway through the training session, I was already cramping up. That was when I regret a hell lot that I played 2 games yesterday, including forcing myself up a 3m deep drain- that almost killed me. I'm so gonna have a good rest tomorrow, lots of stretching and psyching up myself for Wednesday. And catch up with homework at the same time. Tuesday breaks don't seem that bad after all.

Enough football for the moment, because like what my driving instructor always says, breaks are real important. I could tell that he was sincere when he says that, but I'm beginning to suspect a little when he says that too often. Driving test is on 26 October though, so you might want to note it down if you either wanna laugh at or celebrate with me. I'm very looking forward to driving myself after 12 am, with the stereo blasting out Daughtry and Matchbox 20- I always dream about it whenever I'm riding the bus back home. Ahh..

Anyway, I met this buddy that I haven't contact for nearly half a year as I always walking towards the bus stop after training. Both of us came from really different backgrounds but we actually shared a common dream for a short period of time, about a year in fact. As gay as it sounds, we have this funny connection though; one of us would be fully driven, only for the other to be absolutely emotionally down. It is almost like a see saw thing but we did enjoy talking to each other about our respective problems. It's quite sad that both of us decided to pursue something else and we never come into contact any more, but it's nice to know that he is doing something he really, really likes. Almost like a brother, and I guess I'm rather happy for him.

And talking about the people I have not met for quite some time, I'm always quite shocked when I facebook them most of the time, especially couples. I had this platoon sergeant back at 41, who was actually really wild, but was tamed down a lot because he had a real, real decent girlfriend. It's always nice to see people change for the better (although after relativity, I know that the word better doesn't really exist anymore) for yes, love. And it's nice to see him looking at his girlfriend's photograph in the office, although we had this inside joke that his (ex)girlfriend looked like one of our fellow sergeants. He was getting all crazy about it, which sort of shocked me quite a lot that within one year, he's having a girlfriend that pierces her tongue. Not that I should have many comments about it, but yes, it's pretty amazing how much things can change. Or this really sweet couple who were constantly flirting with one another on facebook, and when that stopped, that girl found a new guy.

I've never understood how people could move on from their perceived love of their life so damn quickly, but I must say, they could be emotionally logical. It's like I can never imagine how I can forget football once and for all. I strongly believe that even if I lose all my memories, give me a ball and I'll be 'happy like bird'. Show me a Paul Scholes video and I'll have orgasmic reactions as soon as he makes those wonderful passes.

Am looking forward to Wednesday right now, and preparing to 'Blaze the Field'! Woot! Wish me luck!

page 13: Foot ball

2009-08-16T23:35:00.004+08:00

Not my luckiest number, and I doubt it is anyone's, although I suspect that it's because people are forced to believe that it is unlucky, that's why things look unlucky. Law of attraction. Then again, there has been this religion connotation with it, which I found pretty queer too. God created infinite numbers yet only those very few numbers belonged to His nemesis. Anyway, I shall not continue anything religious in case I offend anyone, though I must say I was quite amused that Gallas was furious that Ballack took his number 13 jersey some years ago.

I had a rather busy weekend though, busy enough to get so many scratches all over my body. It actually feels quite good to have a little pain here and there, like the scratches on my back, those bruises here and there, and maybe even those blisters on my feet. It's as if I am finally doing something productive, at least in the football sense- putting in those challenges when it matters. haha. Or in a more extreme sense, especially when I was showering, I would think of myself as surviving from some super hero rescue, recuperating as water rush down those wounds, even though I pretty much wanted to scream when that happened. I'll come out of the shower and look at my scratches through the mirror, and yes, they were just scratches, so a little ego-bruising. hurhur. Nah, I don't wish to have any bigger wounds though, and I actually got a scare this afternoon when I was trying to take a short- just so almost twisted my knee. God bless, really.

Enough, digressing, and back to what I was so busy with. There was the funny dream I had last night, which felt pretty long. But that's the thing about dreams, they always feel so long even though some of them last less than a few minutes. Really, because I had this experience before when I dozed off in class. I didn't doze off for too long, probably less than a couple of minutes?But I thought I could have finished a marathon within that frame of time. I couldn't remember what dream I had exactly and this actually happened rather frequently. Anyway, after the whole semester of relativity, I don't think I figured out why this happens yet, but I guess if you could actually psycho yourself to study while you're sleeping, it could be really something- and I actually heard that there are people doing so! I'm too lazy to do that though, haha, because I am a firm believer that you should rest when you sleep. Wow, I'm off again.

I worked 9 hours yesterday, and I guess that's why I slept so well last night. It wasn't the most pleasant experience, and after just 3 hours, I was already starting to count down to the time I should go home. I met this couple of new part time stuff though, not technically new, but first time meeting them. They were rather funny, and young. One was 19 and the other was 18, and working with them did remind me how it was like during those school years before army. The best part was, it wasn't really difficult talking to them, and that is real important when you consider that it is 9 hours, because 9 minutes of awkwardness is bad enough. So that was my saturday, working to pass time. Productively unproductive.

At least I enjoyed myself today, with the 4 hours of football. I had a game at Regent Secondary with Gombak Rangers, and despite losing 3-0, I was quite pleased that we were able to play some decent football. I met this new guy though- I always meet new guys with GR because they have a list of at least 100 players that played for them (including my old football coach at CJ)- and I have to say, he gave me a real wonderful first impression. Not in footballing terms though, even though he was a pretty decent player, but he does remind me of my CO back in 41, Lt Col Chua Boon Keat. We didn't speak a lot but he was friendly enough to greet me, despite being at least 20 years older. It was quite awkward though, because I was more focused on the football and we didn't really have much common topic at half time. In fact, we shook hands thrice, which probably showed how acquainted we are (doesn't help that I am terribly shy), but you could tell that this person is real sincere in performing those small little gestures. I guess he was quite impressed with my contributions this afternoon, and he did say I was a good player during our final handshake, but yes, it's still the sincerity that gave me such deep impressions. After that, as I was travelling towards Jurong for my second game that afternoon, I was thinking how nice this world could be if there are more people like him. I'm not denying that I might be happy because of his praise because I'm a person who could get drunk on praises, and I might make a lousy manager. Haha. Anyway, to maybe use a simpler understanding, I won't be surprised if this guy still remembers my name tomorrow, like how Col. Chua remembers everyone from his batallion, and he does remind me a little of Junxu though, if you know who Junxu is. I've never met someone more sincere, so sincere that you could be shy about it. Fuck, this sounds gay.

I had fun too, in my second game, because I was aimlessly sliding around on the field. It was raining lions and, maybe bears, as soon as I stepped onto the field, and I really couldn't resist skiing around on the wet ground. I'm actually growing into this sliding addiction, well ever since I got selected last Friday after I finally showed some tenacity. Haha. Really, aggression was never part of my game until recently, although I feel I'm still too soft overall. Anyway, my first sliding tackle this afternoon resulted in my FIRST EVER yellow card!! Hahaha! I guess you can imagine what a softie I was, and I was actually quite proud that I got booked, even though my challenge was absolutely mindless and unnecessary. The guy I tackled was so damn pissed off that he actually wanted to throw a punch at me. I would have been equally pissed had I been at the end of that challenge but I doubt I was anywhere close to injuring him, just hard enough to bring him onto the ground. But yes! First yellow! But I'll need a little more discipline tomorrow evening. Enough fun ya?

Went to Xuan Hui's place for dinner after the second game, and watched Man Utd beat Birmingham 1-0. Man Utd wasn't playing terrifically, but Birmingham didn't really force Man Utd to come up with something magical either. I was really glad that Fergie finally played Scholes from the start though, because every of his pass was just so orgasmic. I was just so impressed at how he could bring his team mates into the game, pick out those passes no one else could see and make those simple turns that could leave the opponents stunned for a couple of seconds. This guy is just class and he just did knock Beckham and Ronaldo off my list of favourite players. I want to play like him!

Too bad he would be retiring soon though. Man Utd will definitely miss him more than Beckham or Ronaldo.

After 3 games, 2 physically and 1 visually, I'm still looking forward to training tomorrow evening. Man, if only I have the same sort of passion for books and knowledge. In fact, my Undercover Economics is now drenched with rain and mud, and I was actually feeling more sorry that my socks had a new hole than that. I'm hopeless. Haha.

Project meeting at 10 tomorrow, and class till 6. At least I'm still enjoying school.

Smile, always :D

page 12

2009-08-16T12:00:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered what your dreams tell you? Like are you ever gonna strike Toto, how to fix your computer which you had trouble with the whole of the previous night, or maybe losing your virginity? I do remember my dreams quite a bit, and actually more than enough to screw my life up, because I always, always mix up what is real and pseudo. At least most of my dreams were happy dreams.

Yet, I thought what happened last night was just strange. Perhaps a little hilarious as well, but absolutely strange. I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was wtf, before I went back snoozing for another couple of hours. Didn't realise that working at Boost for 9 hours is that tiring. Anyway, here's what happened: I dreamt that I have finally bought my own apartment (that's why I say most of my dreams are happy- even those that I dreamt of being attacked by zombies - I always survive!), which surprisingly has a lot of rooms. I have never imagined my first apartment to have that many rooms though, because I've always wanted something more cosy than spacious. So then I found this empty room that I decided to make it the guest room, and as always, *poof, all the furnitures were in place. It was funny because I had this 19th Century English interior design, and I did like it very much. Still, it was a guest room, and I think I decided to put it this way so that I could scare my guests a little. Things like that do give people the creeps.

So there I was, happy that I have finally arranged everything out in my own little hut, and I've decided to call in my first guest to show off my new apartment. And here's the detail that shocked me big time, and really, really queer: I was my first guest. No, nothing metophoring or figurative or anything, but I was my first guest, and I am quite sure about that. Suddenly, from inviting someone, I actually felt like I have been invited to stay in the guest room. I remember seeing someone bringing me into the room, and the next moment, I was on my own, putting down all my belongings to the respective drawers, cupboards. And then, instead of sitting in a room with everything English, I was looking at modern hotel architectures, fully carpeted, 2 single beds and all. The room didn't shrink in size though, but the strangest thing would be I wasn't the slightest surprised my that. I doubt I had the time to be shocked anyway, because I was hearing the X-men ringtone, and realised that it was Reil from Boost who called. I was finally awake. I couldn't remember what Reil asked me though, but I do recall myself still pretty dazed at what hit me. It was funny, but definitely stranger than funny. Just plain weird.

So I was trying to figure out what that meant for a while, and finally gave up because I remembered having free football channel preview on my television. I miss watching football at home though. You can dress whatever you like and scream whatever you want to celebrate, all laying down on the couch at the same time. Too bad last night wasn't Man Utd's game though. It was Arsenal playing Everton, rather, Arsenal demolishing Everton. I'm so glad I've watched it though, because not only was it the highest scoring match among the first games, both Arsenal and Everton played brilliantly. Honestly, I thought Everton did not deserve to lose my this much, but Arsenal was just that clinical. Arsene Wenger could be right after all.

Ah, now I know. The whole apartment dream could be started off with the last season of Friends, which I've been watching for the past couple of weeks. It's quite sad though, because after 10 years, you see people that are so damn close to one another deciding to move towards the next steps of their lives. Like how Rachel is going to Paris. Oh man, I do wish that my wife can be like Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, I've always wondered how it would be like venturing alone outside your little comfort zone, to the next part of your life and all. I don't think I will do so because I'll miss home a lot, but I guess things like that are real exciting. Imagine going to places like Africa, Eastern Europe, or maybe even Vietnam, setting up your own shop or looking for employment. Then again, I do wonder about a lot of things.

Football soon, and 2 games in a row! And then training tomorrow!! Can't wait!!!

Smile :D

page 11: Time Machine

2009-08-12T22:57:00.001+08:00

I was thinking about how to start writing this post only to give up a couple of minutes later because I was quite tired from the football trial this evening. And that, only to realise that I'm still waiting for my brother to reach home as it is his birthday today and my mother and I do want to celebrate with him. My brother was real thoughtful though- he always has been- when my mother asked him what cake would he like to have for his celebration. I knew that I was the one with the sweet tooth (he's almost carnivorous), and actually asked me to choose for him. I did not though, because my mom decided that she wants to get the tiramisu cake that was on offer near the place she work. Then again, I love tiramisus.

The trial wasn't really good though. I was still having Taylor Swift's You Belong To Me in my head halfway through the trial and it actually shocked me. I mean, I was fighting so hard to get selected and then of all songs, it has to be Taylor Swift's that got stuck in my mind. And I really didn't know why I was so addicted to it, maybe because I saw it countless times on channel V back in bangkok and once, this afternoon during lunch. I was actually mouthing the lyrics when I was waiting for the bus back home an hour ago, and there was this guy that stared at me in disbelief. I was actually looking at him when I was mouthing those words, but I didn't really notice that I was looking at him because my mind was on something else. Or rather someone else, but I guess that was pretty creepy. Anyway, what the hell man.

It started off pretty well because the first few drills were simple, something that I've done throughout summer. The trainings I went to during summer really helped a lot, as not only am I finally back in shape, my touches did improve quite a bit. In fact, I found myself still running all over the field last Sunday, something that I haven't done for a while. We proceeded to the second part of the selection, which after that, they would start cutting people off from the team. We were supposed to play a game of about 12-13 people aside across half the field. I was really lucky that there quite a few strong players in my team and I was happy that most of my passes were accurate. Half the team got cut though, and I wasn't, but strange enough, I was absolutely exhausted after that. I thought I was 'pretty fit' but somehow, that session killed me.

Lucky enough, I was able to rest a little bit because they couldn't fit the remaining 20 players into the same team against the existing NUS players. I sitting on the sidelines patiently waiting for my turn and I did drink a lot of water. I could have drowned myself with that amount on any other day, but yes, it was damn bloody humid. Yet it was a real bad choice though. After that break I found myself feeling very lethargic, on of the first 3 occasions I received the ball, I made 2 lousy distributions. The thing about trials is that you have to make sure every single of your contribution is decent enough, and you have to be 100% focused, and after those 2 bad passes I became really worried. And sad to say, I always allow these kind of small things to affect me, not just football. Sometimes I do wonder if I need to see a psychologist to solve this problem, but I doubt I'll be able to pay them. Which therefore means, I have to learn to cope myself, and as soon as possible.

The good news was that the coach wasn't planning to cut anyone else for the rest of the day, and he'll only decide to do so on the coming Friday. He's quite a scary man though, because not only was he rather big, he doesn't really speak much. I hate people who doesn't speak much because they really keep you in the suspense. And more often than now, they make it seem like you did something wrong but they do not wish to tell you about it. I doubt he's that kind person though, probably because there isn't anything much for him to say anyway. But I still think silence is painful (never golden).

We finally got off the field and I took my time to take off my boots and shin guards. My limbs were going real soft and this is strange because the training last week was so much tougher, I know it because I was almost cramping up, yet I felt so exhausted. I was literally dragging myself towards the shower room and I think it took me about 10 minutes just to get there. Took a rather quick shower and dragged myself back along the same way because my bus stop was right across the field.

After that 'staring' incident, I got onto the bus, which didn't take too long to arrive. I got myself a seat that has the best lighting, and that's rather difficult because somehow, drivers do want to keep their buses as dimly-lit as possible. Fortunately, the seat directly under the light wasn't taken, and after getting out my music player, and my book, of course, I began reading. I'm still with The Catcher In The Rye though, because I decided not to do so the past few days as I thought it was getting to depressing. It's this book about this guy randomly ranting off at the things he doesn't like, and I always get into the same mood whenever I am reading. I decided that I do want to finish reading this book as an accomplishment because I just hate leaving a book halfway read. After all, I was hoping that this book could have a happy ending, which could just turn my mood around.

And yes, the pages I read today were a little bit more positive. I was reading about how the author loves his little sister, and things like that makes me melt. It is quite sweet that he made his sister almost an angel, but I guess most kids do look like angels anyway. True enough, there were moments they start turning into little devils, but the first impressions are always angelic to me.

I got a little sentimental as I was reading because the author was describing the small little things his 9-10 year old sister did. I was thinking about what I was doing back then and I did realise that every single part of my life, I felt that I was matured enough. Really. I used to have this thought (when I was 10) that I would be able to survive in the outside world alone. Like getting an income and a house etcetera. I was naive but I guess I have been pretty arrogant most of my life. Not outrightly arrogant but at least when I am talking to myself. I also realised that I constantly have this wish of getting a time machine, and guess what, my purpose was always to go back in time. I guess that's why I always feel that I'm matured enough at most stage of my life because everytime I look back, I find myself looking really stupid. But yes, I did wish to have a time machine all the time, until army though. haha, that's quite amusing.

So it led me to think about what I would do if I really have the chance to go back and change things for the better. I realised that, still on that bus ride, I don't want to do so anymore because I am quite satisfied with life right now, and I don't really want that to change much. Besides, it doesn't mean that, by going back, I could make things better. More so, my countless experience with Football Manager told me that it could turn out much worse. Anyway, yes, I cheat when I play FM by restarting every single time I lose a game. I'll be playing, for example, 4-4-2, when I'm playing this opponent the first time. So of course, I'll lose and I'll restart and use a different tactic, only to lose by a bigger margin. I'll try something even newer, and not win again, and after perhaps 10 tries, I'll use back the same formation, and find myself winning instead. I thought having a time machine would be like that as well so I decided against backpeddling in time.

I was still in this thought when I was having dinner at a coffee shop near home. I was still holding onto that book as well. Then I also came to discover that it's not that I do not regret anything. Yes, logically speaking, regrets are always useless but I always wonder what if things were the other way around. Anyway, the book was into happier thoughts and I start thinking about those lovely times I had, like the my first birthday party, my 100m gold and the Japan trip with my secondary school mates. Well, after I decided that I will not want to get back in time, i kind of felt really sad I guess. But I figured out a solution rather promptly, and instead of hoping that I can relive those moments, shouldn't I wish that these things to happen again? Technically they can. And that brought me back to my favourite quote from the wallflower book, "But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody". Anyway, even though the wallflower author kind of duplicated Salinger's style of writing, that was a much happier book and I do love it more.

But yes, maybe there can be another train ride. haha.

Anyway my brother's finally home now, and cake cutting!

Smile :)

page 10

2009-08-11T16:10:00.003+08:00

And finally, school has started. However, it wasn't the most pleasant experience due to the lack of sleep. I was having great difficulty falling asleep last night, perhaps a little too excited (strange though, because I was never hoping summer break to end), but more because I slept really too much over the past couple of days. I was laying on my bed by 1 am, only to sit up an hour later to reach for my PSP, which somehow has this magic charm in coaxing me to sleep, but that wasn't until 3 though. And therefore, I woke up pretty annoyed this morning. I had to press the snooze button twice before I headed for the shower and it wasn't until 20 minutes later that I was able to open my eyes properly. And the reason for that was my bus has arrived prematurely, and I had to run up, across and down the bridge so that I didn't have to wait another 20 minutes, which would have meant that I'd be late on my first day. Yes, I can be a little superstituous at times.

I had croissant and Nescafe from the business canteen for breakfast, which actually filled me up quite a bit because I had difficulty going through lunch today. Then again, it made me felt kind of funny in the stomach and I was rushing for the toilet at the break and immediately after the lesson.

The first lesson wasn't too bad, but I was yawning and feeling real restless, and that always happens when I drink coffee when I'm sleepy. I couldn't really concentrate, or rather, I was more focused on getting myself sit still and pay attention. I was so damn restless that I got unnecessarily nervous when it was my turn to go up and tell the class a little bit of myself. Then again, I get nervous all the time I'm supposed to speak in front of people and I was actually shaking quite a bit as I walked up to the front. In fact, I kept the hand that wasn't holding the mic to hide that fact, but I doubt it did anything much because my voice was also shaking. Anyway each of us was supposed to tell the class what is our name, common sense, as well as the things we were most passionate in. This, being a business class, probably has a lot of corny answers, and sad to say, I made my contribution. I told the class my name and I was so nervous I don't remember what I told the class where I was from. I told them I am 'very passionate about football, and maybe facebook'. I would have hated myself had I been the one listening instead. Then again, some parts of the class did laugh at that so I guess it represented a little bit of a good deed done. Still, very, very corny.

I did finally see Fiona after so, so long, and it's nice to see her happy and healthy now. She was sitting a couple of rows in front of me and I actually did not realise that she was in the class until 10 minutes after I've entered, and that was only after she turned around and waved hi. We didn't talk much though, because technically we belong to different class and I still have trouble locating my group mates.

I also saw Rou Yu, my primary school friend, who apparently has random common friends as I do, like Jon Tan and Sherman. I only found that out at the end of last semester when Jon Tan and I bumped into her and Sherman at Subway while we were mugging for the upcoming papers. Hardly strange though, considering how small Singapore, or NUS is.

Had lunch with Gabriel, Geri and BT right after the lesson, and it was only half an hour after we found a table that I started to feel hungry. The weird thing was, I became so damn hungry when I was queueing up for the food, and I actually ordered and finished quite a bit. I was quite tempted to order a second serving but after the can of lemon tea, I got a little bloated. That probably explains my breakfast experience as well; liquid stretches carbo, through, osmosis maybe?

We did not leave straight away after lunch though, and we actually spend the next 2 hours just sitting down and talking random stuff. We were laughing half the time and I think we irritated those people waiting for the tables quite a bit. I was still quite fidgety from the coffee this morning, and oh, I've made an incredible discovery today!! The drink stall is finally selling Coca Cola!!! I wasn't actually too keen of getting that, knowing that I am already living on caffeine but I realised that if I do not support Coke in Arts, no one would. It got me even higher after that, and Coke does taste good with laughter. Anything does. But Geri was getting quite horrified at what demands do I have for a prospective wife because she believed that I am the ultimate ungentleman. Oh that's because she believes I tricked her into driving me home one night, which I swear to anything I did not. Ahh. Then again, I do wish that people like me for who I am than someone I try to act out, which is absolutely ironic because I am such a poser. Haha. I lead a fucking complicated life and I irritate myself too much.

Football trial is tomorrow and I'm quite looking forward to it. There's still a little bit of worry that I might not play well, but after last Sunday, despite losing, I'm quite confident that I'll enjoy the session tomorrow. I am considerably quite fit right now, in fact fittest for the past 12 months, and there's still so much room for improvement. Thankfully, there's no school tomorrow and I'll have the whole day to psyche myself up. I am going to play well.

It was a decent first day, even though I got pretty emo on my way back due to the Coke and the sad songs that were playing on my PSP. I'll need to update the song list soon. Still, a good first day, much better than what I expected.

Smile :)

________________________________

When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
-Used To by Daughtry. My favourite song for the year.

page 9: Evening Ran

2009-08-08T13:49:00.002+08:00

It took me quite a while to log in because I got a little mixed up with my so many passwords. To make it worse, I clicked on the 'remember me' option for most of my applications and almost always, I'll forget what that particular password is for at least 10 tries, like what just happened. I always thought of writing it down somewhere but that thought always gets a little bit morbit for me as I would think that I'm preparing for those 'in case anything happens' scenario, like how people will start to question pilots buying insurance before a plane crash et cetera, et cetera.

Anyway, it has been a real lazy couple of days mainly because I slept a lot. If there are any moments away from my computer, I would have been sleeping. I don't really want to count the total number of hours I have been laying on my bed but I can tell you that I am feeling damn bloody fresh now, even after an evening run a while ago. In case you want to know, it's 6:39 pm right now.

Talking about the run, I could tell you that I'm having mixed emotions about it. I'm glad that I finally got out of my house and do something productive, only for it to be anti-productive. I only ran for 10 minutes, and decided to stop because I was aching quite a bit and felt real lazy after the countless hours of sleep I had. I felt horrible then but the weather was real nice and I did not go home immediately. I walked towards the bridge at clarke quay, which I counted down for 2008 with Dominic and his girlfriend, Jessie, but I was barely sentimental because I didn't really like 2008 a lot. I was still enjoying those minutes I spent down there, alone, because there was this breeze which was constantly tickling me, yes, the kind of breeze that you would see in books. It is moments that I'd feel really, really contented, although I always wish that I would be sharing such moments with a real pretty girl. Ahh, it sounds desperate but this has been one of my secret desires for as long as I can remember, even before puberty. Haha, wtf.

I was feeling quite depressed before the run though, mainly because all that sleep made me felt lousy. Of course, adding to those small little things that irritated me quite a bit. I played football yesterday and we got whipped pretty badly, in fact, I lost track of the score after a while. The disappointing thing was I was feeling rather fit, and I have not played football like this for a long time, which makes it even more frustrating to lose. It didn't help that Man Utd lost later last night, but I was half expecting that because I don't feel all that confident about them this coming season. I'm missing Ronaldo but I'm missing more on Scholes being in the starting line up. He is one bloody brilliant player, and I'm quite disappointed that Fergie is trusting him lesser by the days.

I'm hungry now. Till next time.

page 8: Happy Tree Friends

2009-08-05T22:57:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking about what to write since I opened The Catcher of the Rye this morning on my way to work. Then again, I always think about what to write when I am reading, and that includes reading the Newpaper. Not that I aspire to be a writer (although I secretly wishes to be one sometimes, especially when I am about to fall asleep- those moments when you think about every little thing), but I guess writing is my best way to express myself, even with the limited vocabulary and lousy grammar. That's because I don't draw very well and I do stutter when I speak. And sadly, I also tend to care about how people look at me, though not all the time, and there probably isn't much occasions when you can find me crazily high. Like I still don't know how I will react when I am very happy like when I celebrate the most important goal of my life, or when I am getting married. I don't think I'll want to jump, but I believe I'll jump anyway because I'll want to show I'm delighted. Ah, I'm such a poser.

Anyway, back to the book. It took me quite a while to fall in love with this classic, probably because I was having quite a high expectation after all the reviews. But yes, I like it very much now, and I finished almost half the book in the last 12 hours, a pretty impressive statistics in my case. I love the way the author did the descriptions, very lament and very easy to relate to. I do wish that I'm reading this while living in the 1940s though, because it'll probably make so much more sense. And perhaps it's how I always like to identify similarities and coincidences, but I always relate to books. Then again, that's the whole purpose of the author, to sell their experience which is not so different from us.

The author was writing about how he didn't like falling asleep when he's not tired. Half the world probably feels like this but it seems that I'm only feeling like this this summer, which is probably as a result of too much time hence too much sleep and too little activity. However, time to time, I find myself quite stressed over falling asleep, and yes, a little like insomnia. And funny enough, I knew when that started. And looking back at that, it's really silly and ridiculous, but it doesn't help me not sleeping. I'm going crazy soon.

Bidding for modules still ain't over for me yet. One more to go before I can officially prepare to school. This bidding thing is getting quite irritating because I'm progressing into my second year, and it's also the time when everyone else has accumulated so many points. I've been outbidded twice for the same module and I'll probably have to settle for something disgusting, hopefully nothing mathematical. NUS math is the craziest thing ever, and it's not strange to hear people getting Bs despite scoring near perfect scores. It is, after all, an Asian university.

And Bangkok. Bangkok was real fantastic, and my first thought when I arrived there was why did we visit HCM instead of Bangkok? The food was spectacularly great, and yes, note the double adjectives. Cheap as well, and there were so many many things to see. In fact, my brother did a brief calculation and found out that we have walked roughly 60 hours in 4 days, talking about going for a holiday. And I have a crazier discovery. I was singing to myself when I was in the lift and I tilted my head downwards to try to rumble my voice a little. Obviously, that failed and I saw strange markings on the top of my feet. Tan marks from my slippers. I was quite amazed, and relieved at the same time because I only got to buy my cheap poserish sun glass on the last second day of the trip and I only wore them to take pictures. Haha. Anyway, we walked a lot because there was just too many things to look at. Amazing stuff, and I'm already looking forward to my trip there again.

I'm beginning to feel tired now, and it must be a good thing because I have to work tomorrow morning. Not too early though but I'll have to be awake by 9. It's probably going to be my last day at Boost Juice for sometimes, unless I have someday free and am willing to sacrifice that for $5 an hour. Not to be really sentimental, but I did enjoy working at Boost for the last couple of weeks, like how I was able to serve this very very very pretty girl this morning. hahaha wtf. And that also spells the end of summer which I really really enjoyed. I like everything around me now, and I do wish that this feeling could remain for a very long time to come. I am really happy, and I am writing to tell you so.

page 7: Walks to Remember

2009-07-27T20:07:00.005+08:00

After almost 3 weeks of hiatus, i finally went back to Boost Juice this morning. It was actually quite impromptu, because i only received the phone call at 7 this morning, asked to be at OUB centre by 9 am. Strangely, I wasn't the slightest irritated by that, in fact, I was quite looking forward to going back making fruit juices that I'll never drink- I'm carnivorous remember (overstatement actually because I do eat vegetables. Just no fruits, and yes, I find that quite weird too).

So I found myself happily walking towards the bus stop only to walk even faster when I got down the bridge because my bus has just arrived. Had I missed that bus, I might have been late because bus 186 usually takes 20 minutes to arrive. OUB centre was just down the road from my house and I still had time for breakfast before I made my 'grand' return.

I finally walked into the Boost outlet and actually felt quite welcomed. It was really different from every other time because the faces I saw today were actually familiar, and smiling. Usually, it would have been a couple of unfamiliar people staring at me as I entered the outlets. And then I'll have to explain that I am working here to before they finally look away and rarely these people will say hi. I won't really blame them because it's Singapore and everyone are equally shy and maybe bo chap.

The first task I was given today was to deliver fruits to some customers at One Raffles Quay. ORQ is quite an amazing place and I did dream about having an office of my own there once. Everyone was very well-dressed, and even the security guards didn't look one bit rugged. The receptionists were also quite good looking, and I have noticed that it seems to be a protocol that office receptionists have to be female. I'd like to think that it's because females are the more meticulous sex than anything else, but yes, looking at pretty girls did brighten up my day.

Back at the outlet, I was still struggling to use the cash machine and I felt like Donald Duck when I was preparing those juices. There were many instances when my store manager had to ask the only other full-timer to take over from me and I felt pretty bad that I wasn't able to help. I have only worked at Boost Juice for less than one week, even though it was across a span of 2 months. At least I didn't screw up the earlier delivery and the 2 after lunch.

Finally, it was time for me to go home even though I was quite eager to stay. Then again, had I stayed any longer, this wonder 'boost' experience would have been a little bit of an overkill. Besides, it was past lunchtime and the only stuff left to do would be to cut fruits, not something new or fun. Since the weather was good, I decided to actually walk home, and it seems that I've been quite addicted to walking home for a while since Vietnam. Maybe it's because I feel really safe walking around Singapore alone, and probably also how I was subconsciously influenced by 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', but yes, I really enjoyed the walk.

And that actually reminded me of my trip home 2 nights ago from Khai's place after the BBQ. It was the first time I took the nightrider, not without Khai sending me to Bishan MRT though. It's times like this that I really wish I have a license, oh and lesson's tomorrow so I'm gonna pay full attention! That night was different though. Had it been me a couple of months ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about hiring a cab, and that's probably where much of my army pay went, the after-midnight cabs. Something did irrritate me that night though, ironically, it is those cabs that lined up at the bus stops. There was that bit of temptation, but I was quite determined to ride the night rider so it wasn't really the problem. I was very worried that that only night rider would miss me because I was the only person at the bus stop, possibly blocked by all those cabs. Most of the drivers were sleeping though.

So came my night rider, and I almost did sprint off from my seat just to flag it down. I did not do so because there was this cab lingering in front of that bus and I didn't want the cab to stop, causing the bus driver to think that I was flagging for that cab and move on without me. Yes, by now you would have realised I am very paranoid, always complicating myself and worry unnecessarily. I did find this amusing as I stepped onto the bus, and the bus driver was actually staring at me with shock because of my grin. There were only 2 other passengers that night, and that meant that there was plenty of seats. I sat down and turned on my music player as I enjoyed my virgin night ride.

I was supposed to alight at the stop opposite Liang Court but I decided that the stop before that was good enough. Anyway, both stops should be equidistant to my home which was about a 15-20 min walk away. But the main reason I stopped earlier was because I realised I'll be able to walk past UE Square, which has this funny aura that makes me like it so much. I always dreamt of being able to stay in one of its service apartment and I do believe that the view from the top unit would have been marvelous. The view from my house is already spectacular but again, grass seems to be greener everywhere else all the time.

And like today, my music was still blasting and it was really wonderful that it was Daughtry's music playing all the time- I've set my playlist onto a shuffle mode and I would have to change each time I don't find the music suited to my mood. Somehow, Daughtry's music seem to fit my mood everytime, even though his lyrics are pretty emo and sometimes quite ridiculous. I'm emo and ridiculous anyway. Heh.

Cool breeze, good music and that carefree feeling you get from walking alone in Singapore. Not that I am a patriot bus yes, I'm do feel quite blessed that I grew up in Singapore. I'm never the adventurous type, so yes, anything's safe is nice for me. Hopefully the weather will be equally good tomorrow because I'll probably want to walk home again. Anyway, despite the short distance, there's only one bus from my house to OUB centre and no bus back, while the train is expensive and would make one big round before I reach home. I'll still have to walk to the NEL when the train reaches Outram anyway.

Beautiful days, oh and Unwell, my favourtie song of the week, is playing on my media player right now. Life rocks :)

_____________________________

All that i'm after, is a life full of laughter.

Page 8

page 6: No Country For Old Men

2009-07-24T22:29:00.005+08:00

I was trying to download the flash player for my father's new pet but failed miserably. I thought that perhaps it is some firewall that I have no idea how to break through but after 10 minutes of toggling around, I gave up. My younger brother should have some solution up his sleeves after those countless hours of Drift City, CS and there's this new RPG game that all his friends are playing. Anyway, I guess I am going to miss watching him play those games when he enters the army this October. Even though I do wish he could put that same amount of hardwork in his academic, I'm always very impressed at how he's able to do those 'headshots'. Yes, I am never good at computer games, and yes, I do cheat while playing Football Manager. Haha, I do restart everytime I loses, which explains why I always have such wonderful resumes.

Still using my father's new computer though, because my mom is watching some Hong Kong serial on my laptop. Not that I have anything much to do right now, and sad to say, it is Friday night. Then again, I think I'll miss times like this when school starts- not that I won't slack though, but rather slack without worrying about tutorials and projects. Anyway, it's official that I won't be doing honours with NUS because I wasn't qualified enough. That's how lazy I was - constant procrastinating and no effort.

And I am so glad that I have finished the Outliers on my way home from driving lesson today. Indeed, the final chapter did not disappoint me, even though I kind of felt that Gladwell is quite obsessed at trying to prove that his theory right. The one way ticket kind of feel, and rare acknowledgments that the opposite could stay true. Then again, his argument are rather logical (but I have to admit that I'm rather gullible; anything that has a little bit of logic to it, however little, I might just find them correct) and there has to be some reason that it has been the bestseller for quite a while (and I have to contradict myself again; every book in bookstores seem to be bestsellers!).

That probably proved that I complicate myself a lot, often connecting random rubbish thoughts together. Yet one thing less complicated is my fitness- it still sucked. It took me 18:42:0 minutes to complete a 4km run a couple of hours ago, and I was panting so heavily when I reached the finishing point! At this speed, it'll take me 11 minutes and 13 seconds to complete 2.4 km, not ideal at all. Sigh.. I've been wanting to build my fitness over this summer break but summer's ending real soon. Plus my arms are still sore from the push-ups I did yesterday evening. At 22, I'm already getting old.

The Catcher in the Rye next to bring me back to those rebellious years. I need to do more stuff to keep me young at heart.

Oh and happy birthday Fiona. And also to that girl that I scared quite bad at the last day of last semester.
________________________

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin

Page 7

page 5: I wish to be an Outlier

2009-07-23T21:00:00.004+08:00

I have finally completed my 'report' on Vietnam and the 100 push-ups I have been wanting to do for a long time. And after being so bored of Football Manager 09, as well as the need to start thinking and writing in English (because I suspect I might be forced to take up a module that requires essay writing), guess who's back (back), back again (again). So, hello again friend(s)!

My arms really quite sore now though, and I am typing rather slowly. Then again, no pain, no gain, and I'd probably need the $400 bucks from SAF soon. After Vietnam, I have been bumming around and doing nothing productive. I only have one tuition kid thus far and I doubt that could even sustain my transport expenses. At least I'll not need to worry when I'm going to Bangkok later this month; my mom is sponsoring, woohoo!

Recently, I've been reading Malcolm Gladwell's latest work, The Outliers. Initially, I thought it would be like those other self-motivational books, perhaps propagandic and brain-washing. Indeed, I am really skeptical towards how motivational books could generate so much revenue, because most of my friends who have read those books didn't seem to fare much better after that. I could be one of them though, and I admit, sometimes, or in fact most of the time, I get disgusted with myself. So, I wasn't too eager to purchasing The Outliers, but it was written by Gladwell and it was on offer. Ah, impulsive, not that I regret though.

Yes, a great book, even though I totally disagree with those compliments on the page cover. One of it was saying how Gladwell 'makes you feel like you're a genius, rather than he's a genius'. Totally disagree because I often found myself mouth wide-opened, almost not believing that there is such an amazing thinker in this world. Gladwell, to me, is still the genius, and not because he is sophisticated. I have read his previous works before so this shouldn't come as a big surprise to me, but it's the way he bring things out, and how he showcases his research and homeworks on the respective topics that impressed me most. Yet I was still entertain by something that seemed so academic. If only I could find economics as attractive. I'm still on my way to the final page though, but I should be completing it by the end of this week. The Catcher in The Rye is waiting.

Anyway, Gladwell did brought something up that creeps me a little. Just a while ago, we were witnessing some of the worst disasters in past couple of years. He was explaining how an aircraft disaster actually happens, using that to illustrate what sort of 'legacy' culture and beliefs can play. For example, the reason why Singapore Airlines fared so well over the years is due to the fact that Singaporeans, in general, are not afraid to pin-point mistakes of their superiors. Interesting, even though I do not really agree that Singaporeans dare to stand up against their superiors. I suspect that perhaps the research was done through a written survey, which allows Singaporeans to talk big and bullshit their way through because confidentiality is guaranteed. Ah, like how people actually gave feedback for the NTU professor. See it here.

And my second last summer is coming to an end. Lectures and tutorials awaiting, and the thing i dread most is facing those people who witnessed my ultimate boo-boo last semester. OH fuck. Hopefully, most of them have forgotten about it, and I've decided to spend most of my time in the library and the stadium. Not like there's anywhere else I could be. At least there's Bangkok first.

Wish me luck for my module biddings though. I'm still undecided on what to take.

_______________________________

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired.

Page 6

special page: vietnam!

2009-07-12T01:10:00.009+08:00

while i wait for my brother to bring my laptop back home so that i can upload the photographs, i'll summarise what actually went on the past week. yes, i went to vietnam. honestly honestly, i'll have to say that vietnam wasn't that incredible. they have cultures similar to most south east asian countries, except that they do not have macdonalds and i only saw one KFC. BUT, i thought that the trip was really very special. it was a real mixture of emotions; we were happy, excited, anxious all at the same time, and was also quite shocked and angered when we constantly found out that we were conned by those greedy vendors and taxi drivers. and that 1 kg of coffee too. this summer trip was really, really fun.

day 1
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-1.html

day 2
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2.html

day 3
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3.html

day 4
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4.html

day 5
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-5.html

day 6
http://vietnamkungfufighter.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-6.html

page 5

page 4: ho ho ho chi minh

2009-07-06T00:02:00.004+08:00

vietnam tmr. can't wait!

special page
page 5

page 3: plastics are non-biodegradable

2009-07-04T01:18:00.005+08:00

i just spent the whole day trying to improve my barcelona squad on football manager. woke up at 2 so it wasn't that long, and my barcelona is sitting pretty on top of the la liga standings. only sad thing was that i had to release xavi on free transfer because he was getting too old for top tier football. worse was that lionel messi wasn't too happy with me, and believed that i should be 'more patient with my staff'. but i choose to believe that messi's being insecure; he's already 30 and i guess he's afraid that he'll end up like xavi.

went to watch history channel the last couple of hours after i was getting too giddy staring at animating words, like 'GOAL!!!' with blue and red flashes. yes, i've never really been that interesting. sigh. anyway, history channel's quite cool though, in fact, it is one of my favourite channel of all time. it's definitely better than those countless reading i had to do for a levels and the one history module i took in the first semester. oh there's the japanese studies too- not really counted because i gave it up for the lecture notes. way too last minute for the exams. and lucky for me, it was a world war 2 documentary that was playing, which is technically the most interesting part of modern history. well at least there's hitler, and even though i do agree that he is crazy and vicious, i believe he's quite a genius.

i do wonder what people in the future would write of the times like now. obama becoming the first black president? michael jackson? megan fox being a man? oh i know, michael owen scoring the hat trick against liverpool for man utd to win the champions league. rock on!

and talking about megan fox, and with jon tan constantly trying to tell me that transformers rocked, something xuan hui said a couple of days ago came into my mind. we were walking down orchard road at 10pm in rather tight-fitting shirts and shorts, after dinner at aston's. sounds really gay, but i would say it looked like the perfect camouflage to look at girls. and we bumped into huishan too, and yep, we saw her first.

just too bored because everything was closed by 9.30. so much about nightlife in singapore.

after a while we decided that looking at girls at 10pm wasn't really interesting, and plus the facts that xuanhui has a girlfriend and he has to work early next morning, we decided to head home. so as we were crossing the road towards somerset mrt, we saw this couple of young ladies, and no, they were not kissing. they were quite actually quite good looking, almost looking like some small time models.

"mannequins," xuan hui, with a very disgusted expression. initially i couldn't get what he was saying.

"you know, plastics?" immediately i got what he meant, and smiled. i thought what charlie in the wallflower book described girls taking fashion magazines as bibles for growing up, and right in front of me, there were 2 people looking exactly like what he wrote.

the stranger thing was megan fox suddenly came into my mind, not in that 'hot' kind of way. i never really find her hot ever since rumours were passing around that she could have been given birth as a boy, and as much as reports have started clarifying that she was indeed born a female, the thought of a hot babe possibly having a dick is way too nightmarish. so, back to the story, andnot digressing any further, i remembered reading somewhere that megan fox had plastic surgery to enhance her assets right after the first transformers movie. and that was when xuanhui's definition of mannequins made even more sense. you see, whether plastic surgery is ethical or not, you have people constantly publishing pop stars doing such stuff. which in turn would make it seem correct and the 'in' thing to do. and that's why you have 'plastics' walking around.

and i just saw another person on facebook giving transformers 10/10. fuck no!! it sucked big time!

just to clarify, the above descriptions are for girls that put too much make up and speak with a certain funny slang that has limited vocabulary. haha. sounds quite horrible right, two guys walking around, instead of appreciating how beautiful girls can be, we were actually judging how they should behave. the epitome of male chauvanism. not something that i'm proud of. sigh.

and not to tee-down xuanhui too much. he has a girlfriend that is nice and fun-loving. he has been my best buddy for many many years and he has curly hair. it's just that he has something against females with long eye-lashes and very dark eyeliners.

i'll probably need to start my part on the preparation for vietnam soon. i'll be flying on monday and i haven't done anything about it. well i have the whole of tomorrow to do so, and hopefully, i'll not be touching football manager and facebook too much.

___________________________

sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.

page 4

page 2: what goes around, comes around

2009-07-02T23:02:00.014+08:00

just reached home after friendly game 2 for nus- still wearing my portugal red jersey to fit in though. and sad to say, yet another disappointment, in fact, much worse than the game on monday. i was at fault for the first goal we conceded when i failed to check the runner who was going for the header off a short free kick. it was a really bad mistake because before that, i sort of decided to hope that the ball does not fall onto the person i'm marking, and finally i'm caught out. a very bad habit that i need to change. and my game just went downhill afterwards, before i was being substituted 20 mins into the half.

i did come back for the final 20 minutes of the game though. took a shot straight at the keeper from too far out, before our opponents scored the deciding goal and the final whistle. we lost 4-3. even though i doubt that anyone really minded whether we win or lose, or found out that i was the one at fault for the first goal, i was just really disappointed. worse is, this time, there wasn't any excuses like not having enough rest, and even though the strain in my groin hasn't gone away, i have recovered well enough not to think about it during the game. and it really sucked because i really wanted to at least play decent today. well i didn't show like i wanted to, and i guess i more than deserve it.

regret not though; lesson learnt, and i still need to get fitter. uncle sam's plyometrics did a bit of magic but i guess i need to run more on my own. less than 6 months away from ivp and still a long way away from the first 11- based on today's performance at least.

but it does feel good to have something to aim towards, especially after such a long hiatus.

anyway, someone said something that amused me quite a bit before the game started. hopefully, that wasn't the reason why i played so badly afterwards. one of the players made this announcement that this other player was caught holding hands with this pretty girl at vivo city. and to briefly summarize, in case you do not have the patience to read the rest of the story, this pretty girl was one of the reasons why i end up training with the nus football team.

it was during the exams and i guess everyone was pretty much emotional, especially me. and i was sort of quite caught up with what happens when a guy and a girl fall in love, or rather the period before that. frivolously saying, flirting. and i had this friend that challenged me to say hi to an eyecandy that was in one my class. one that i was too shy to say hi to all along.

what happened after that was quite embarrasing. probably the most embarrasing thing i've ever done so if you're curious enough, ask me yourself. haha.

so, in order to clear up the aftermath of it all, i decided to talk to this friend of mine, known through another of my friend while playing football a few years back. yes, i talk to him because he also happens to know this pretty girl, j, and luckily, he was kind enough to make things less awkward, in exchange for a very amusing tale anyway. haha.

so it was then when this friend told me that the nus soccer team are looking for players to replace those that have graduated. he did say that i could actually give it a try, and tada!, i've been going for their training for the past couple of weeks. and i finally found something tangible to look forward to. well at least for the next one year.

amazing how life maps out for you isn't it?
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Maybe it's sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not sad.

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page 1: life doesn't stop for anybody

2009-06-30T23:02:00.006+08:00

probably inspired by my latest read, the perks of being a wallflower, i've decided to create a new space for my random rants. it took quite a while though; i didn't know what to name it, how it should look like. and now, i'm just glad that i am finally posting my first entry soon. life has been too complicated.

anyway, about that book, the perks of being a wallflower. it wasn't a bestseller, and it probably isn't one still. in fact, i believe there would be a lot of people that will regard it as rubbish, after all, it was published by MTV Books. not that i have anything against MTV though, it's just that MTV is probably the last thing on my mind with regards to book. it's also overly americanized, frivolously talking about sex, cigarettes and homosexuals, which should have disgusted me quite a bit.

yet i was far from amazed to finish this book within 3 days, quite a feat for me. yes, i'm something like a chinese kung fu fighter. i was actually very disappointed that this book had to end so soon. not exactly because it didn't have a fairytale ending (i wasn't expecting that either), but it feels as if there's one less thing for me to connect to. perhaps due to my lack of maturity, and also the fact that i have this belief it'll take me a long time to grow up (at one point i was quite afraid i never will), i thoroughly enjoyed this book. every entry, every sentence, every word.

well, the author did say that his favourite author is always the last one. with the knowledge that i haven't read too many books in my life, i couldn't agree more.

but no, i'm recommending this book to anyone else. in fact, stay away from it if you're thinking to improve your grammar. stay away even more if you're looking for something intelligent.

and finally, hello!! welcome to my latest space! officially, my 3rd address for a blog. and sad to say, just last week, i was cursing and swearing at those people who constantly change their blog address, simply because i can find no logical conclusion behind such actions. not that what i'm doing now is completely sensible though, hurhur, and for once, i decided to do what i feel i'll be happy about. but i have to admit, another reason why i decided to 'move away' was because i was beginning to find my previous blog too messy and ridiculous, and the power ranger theme song has began to lose its 'cheer-me-up' effect. i was just too lazy to change everything and the only way forward was to restart.

and i found myself enjoying the process of building a new blog space, even though it was quite irritating to have to sign up with so many websites just to get free stuff. now i know where those 'En1arge ur p3n1s' emails have been coming from. luckily, hotmail and gmail were smart enough to classify them as junks. and i'm still safe from the 'acai pills' epidemic.

i'll still miss my previous blog though; 300+ entries and within 4 years. how not to? so in order to make this transition less painful, i shall continue from where i last signed off.

football.

yes, finally i made my debut for nus. it was a rather unofficial game though and i was wearing my red portugal jersey instead of anything nus. but i finally got to see fabian tan play. i was so looking forward to that because so many people have said so many great things about him, after all, he is the closest person to professional football i've ever known. he did match most of their descriptions: left-legged, composed, and a good vision and reading of the game. and considering the fact that he was barely match fit yesterday (and scoring the only goal for our side), yes indeed, he is a very good player.

i was quite disappointed with myself though. not the sad kind of disappointed but i was hoping to do something more. i didn't exactly have a bad game, but it was nothing impressive either. i was quite distracted by the fatigue after 4 hours of football on sunday, and the strained groin that has been bothering me since that morning. i did complete the game though, more because there wasn't anyone else waiting on the bench. but i was quite glad that i was enough of a threat on the left wing that the opponents have to bring on a younger right back just to trek my runs.

well thursday would be another opprtunity, against a seemingly stronger team. younger, fitter and faster too, and i would have to be at my best to impress. still a lot of hard work to be done before i'll be able to sneak into the official starting line up. pray that my groin can recover in time and wish me luck!

i am running a little dry now so i'll be off soon. oh anyway, i realised why i am so attracted to chbosky's writing. yes, the wallflower book. i've always have this impression that people around me doesn't really care about the details in their lives, like the smell of the rain, how it can bring joy and sadness at the same time. i mean, yes, i do read a lot about these descriptions in the books but i never really believed that there are many people that actually pay attention to these details in real life. i just liked to think that everyone i know were robots, too busy with their own lives to actually enjoy it. yet this book only reflected how arrogant and ignorant i was all along. and how i could be a bastard sometimes. very selfish too, especially when i compare myself to charlie, the main character of the story. i just loved the way he loved everyone around him, despite being a 'wallflower' that probably had more opinions than anyone else. now i can't wait to fall in love. HAHA!

ahh. my first post-read syndrome; yes i cannot believe i'm actually missing a book.

i shall end it off with my favourite quote from the book:

Do you know what 'masturbation' is? I think you probably do because you are older than me. But just in case, I will tell you. Masturbation is when you rub your genitals until you have an orgasm. Wow!
-Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

the 'wow' was just epic. so funny that i actually burst out laughing on the train. luckily i was about to alight.

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But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

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